Moving forward has felt, at times, unbearable.
There have been days and nights I’ve curled up in bed and cried out for the life I had planned and dreamed of and hoped for. I lay with my head on the pillow as the tears course down my face matting my hair into tangles. I replay the good moments, the bad moments, the in-between moments looking for clues and answers and maybe a chance to re-do. I beg my heart to tell me he loved me, that this wasn’t all for nothing.
But then morning comes. I stare at my reflection in the mirror finding traces of the girl I was and the woman I’ve become. I wipe away the sorrow and take a deep breath. These moments where I’m afraid I can’t breathe become less and less with each passing day. They still exist and they might for awhile, but it doesn’t make me afraid. It doesn’t make me want the life I had. It only makes me know that my heart is mending and healing and it works. It longs to love again. It doesn’t want him, it wants what it was able to do when I was with him, what it was created to do — to love.
At first I couldn’t imagine getting through days and nights without him. It felt impossible, insurmountable, inconceivable. Like climbing a mountain. A mountain I had failed to climb before and no desire to try. But the beauty of time is that it gives you clarity. The days become a little less fuzzy and the pain slightly less all-consuming. You laugh again and make plans again. You turn a face of hope towards the rising sun instead of wishing for the night.
And then one day you wake up and find you’ve climbed the mountain. The one that seemed so daunting and unattainable. You don’t know it but every time you laughed and dreamed and hoped and planned, you took a step up the mountain. If you had looked down at how far you could fall or how high you had yet to climb it would have deterred you, made you turn around and give up. But by Papa’s goodness, He kept your eyes fixed on the trail, looking for little markers to keep you certain of your path. Reminding you that yes, this is terrible and you can’t breath and sometimes it takes awhile to find the next marker but inevitably you see it and climb towards it.
So when I woke up and realized I had climbed the mountain I knew it was time to take on a few more mountains. This time I was choosing to climb them. And this time I was climbing them for me. Because I needed to be strong. Because that’s what you are when you stand at the top of a mountain with your legs burning and your face chapped by the wind and your lungs gasping for air. You. are. strong.
Last week I decided I needed to climb 10 mountains before the end of the year. I decided to share the mountains with you all because you helped me climb the first one. You might have to help me climb these ones but I’m willing to let you. I’m hoping you’ll let me help you climb mountains too.
Here they are:
10) This one is sort of a secret because you might be the recipient. But let’s just say it involves me learning not to be selfish with things the Lord has given me.
9) Run a 5k or a 10k. (Tentatively planned for Thanksgiving Day. Want to join? Let me know!)
8) Cook at home four times a week.
7) Set up an account for voiceover websites. Many of you know I do voiceover work for churches and nonprofits. I’ve had several people tell me I need to put together a demo reel and put it up online. So I’ve decided to do it. Eek.
6) Blog more consistently. I know I know. I make this promise often. And I’ll keep making it until I don’t have to make it anymore.
5) Date. I don’t know if that means a new relationship or just going on dates, but I can’t let myself be afraid of love. Because Love is Worth It. So, know any nice men that want to go on a date? ;)
4) Finish my book proposal.
3) Get back on the Low Carb train. If you need more info on why I do that, read this.
2) Discipline my finances. I won’t go into much detail on this but my goal in the year is to have a certain amount in savings and a certain amount paid towards debt.
Summit a fourteener. You may recall I attempted one last year and tore my knee in the process. This year, with a little help from a knee brace and three friends, I climbed a mountain and let my feet dangle off the edge of the world. If you want to read more about our adventure check out my friend Jackie’s blog. We’ve known each other since FIRST grade! Whoa right?
These are the mountains Papa has set before me. Mountains I need to climb. I thought I would climb some of those mountains with him but on Saturday Papa showed me I needed to climb them on my own. Because I am strong. He has made me strong.
If you’re interested in climbing mountains with me until the end of the year use the hashtag #climbingmountains on Facebook, Instagram, and Twitter. I’ll be blogging, picture-ing, and tweeting when I climb mountains and I would love to be part of yours.
So what do you say? Want to Climb Mountains with me?