Author Archives: Rachel

Repulsive Christian Behavior – because they know not what they do.

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There has been so much sorrow in our world lately. Maybe this happens more often than we are made aware but for whatever reason tragedy is filling the media the past few months. Shootings, scandals, building collapses, explosions, and now devastating tornadoes. My heart is filled with sorrow for the broken world we live in. While I know there is hope and that ultimately, Love is Louder, I can’t help but seethe with anger when I see some “followers of Christ” spouting off words of condemnation and hate.

I recently saw a tweet that something along the lines of gay marriage and forsaking God and the Bible means we’re in for the wrath of God and to “buckle up.” My stomach clenched and I felt righteous anger rising up inside of me. How dare this person use God to justify destruction and devastation. How DARE they.

When so called Christians use the God of the Old Testament and the deeds He performed to justify the broken state of world, it cheapens the Cross. You tell the world that the Cross DID NOT satisfy the wrath of God. That He’s holding a grudge and needs to continue to punish us because of His need for perfection. Have you forgotten the cry of Jesus? IT IS FINISHED. As far as I’m aware there was no caveat or clause in that sentence. No asterisk alerting us to fear if things got too bad.

The veil was torn, blood spilled, the convenant fulfilled.

Do NOT cheapen the Cross.

Do NOT tell me that my inconsequential human actions regardless of how many or how much they build upon each other can alter the very fulfillment of God’s promise to His people. When we begin to believe that may we be taken out of this world like the people of old.

So I rage and rant because of how angry I am that the very people Christ died for are the ones who lessen His sacrifice by using it to justify things they know nothing about.

But because Papa is a God of mercy and forgiveness, He fills my heart with sadness for these people. They only say these things out of ignorance and fear. The only way people can use God as justification for wrath is if they truly believe that to be His nature.

And what a sad life to live in fear of God’s wrath and not the freedom of His grace. 

So while I’m angry and shouting my anger slowly turns into pity for these people who have never really had a chance to experience the fullness of God’s love.

As I petition the Father tonight for the broken hearts and souls in Oklahoma, I’ll also petition for the souls who say the terrible things about Him. Because they may need Christ more than anyone.

A Bean Love Letter

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My Dearest Bean,

Welcome to the world precious boy!

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My goodness how your mama and daddy have longed for this day. And not just because you were 10 days overdue. They’ve been waiting and praying and hoping and loving on you for quite some time. Dear one, I wish I could tell you how deeply you are loved. Not only would your mama and daddy lay down their lives for you, but they have a community around them who would as well.

Bean, you have been born to a woman and man who love Jesus. They’ve committed to bring His love into your life the best way they know how. They aren’t always going to get it right and may feel like they get it wrong more often than not. As you get older you’ll probably feel like they don’t understand you and their rules are stupid and they’re just being over protective. They’ll embarrass you and maybe tell you to wash your hands well into your twenties. But they will always always always love you. They will never let a second go by without loving you. Have grace for them in the moments where they show their humanity. I know they are your parents but they’re also human and flawed.

I want to give you some secrets about the two people who are raising you. Your daddy is great. He’s generous and kind. He’s funny and sarcastic. He’s always willing to go out of his way to put others ahead of him. He’s got this drive and passion and talent for music that we’re all hoping you get. He’s probably going to get you hooked on great shoes, watches, Mississippi State football, Apple products, and eventually a good Scotch. He’s got this voracious appetite for life and learning. If something interests him he’ll want to know everything about it. He is a good man. He loves your mama. He will teach you to respect your elders, hold the door for the elderly and women, look someone in the eye when they’re speaking to you, and how to give a firm handshake. You’re a lucky boy to get to grow up with him as your father. I’d bet money he’ll be one of your best friends someday.

And your mama? Your mama is one of the most incredible women I have ever known. Bear with her for the first few years because Pinterest came out not too long ago and she pretty much loves it. Bean, she loves to laugh. Make her laugh often. Her eyes sparkle, she tilts her head back, her smile breaks out and pure enjoyment comes pouring out. She’s a pistol buddy. And if your stubbornness on your due date is any indication, I have a feeling you’re going to get some of her fire. It is one of my favorite things about her. She is someone you want in your corner. You more so than anyone, bean. Just a word of advice, if some boy tries to bully you on the playground, maybe don’t tell her every time, because she’ll probably kick his ass. Likewise if you ever bully anyone, she’ll kick your ass. One of the best things about your mama is her authentic love of Jesus. She won’t pretend or put on a religious front just to make other people comfortable. She truly loves Jesus. She strives to be the best wife, mama, and friend she can be. She’s learning how to be vulnerable around those she loves and trusts. Because who she is radiates beauty. Your mama is a rare gem. Someday when you’re looking for a wife, you’ll have a hard time finding a woman half as good as her. But don’t worry, we’ve already started looking. Your chances are pretty good. There’s a rumor Prince William and Kate’s baby is a girl so maybe royalty will work out for one of us!

Beloved, you have amazing parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, and a community who wants nothing more than to see you flourish. Never be afraid or ashamed to reach out to us. We will always be for you. Sometimes the way we love might feel tough but its because we want you to have the best shot at the best life you can have. You will always have a family regardless of who we are.

As you grow my prayer for you is that first you find the depth of God’s love for you on your own. That you embrace all He has for you and the pure enjoyment of who you are to Him. Without this understanding life won’t ever make much sense.  My second prayer for you is that you grow up to be a man of integrity and honor. Always do the right thing, whatever it costs you. Third, I pray that you will have love for those who can do nothing for you in return. It is easy to love people who love us back or offer us friendship but to love the unlovable is to know Christ in a completely different way. I pray you have eyes to see who the unlovable are and their needs. Finally, Bean, I pray that you will strive to make the world a better place when you leave it than when you’ve entered it. There is nothing to be gained from a life spent serving ourselves. Our world is full of broken people and you have a chance to bring light and hope to them. Be the man we know you are destined to be. A man of greatness, character, love, devotion, sacrifice, and joy.

We know you are destined for these things because they are being modeled for you in the form of your parents and family. You will be amazing whatever you decide to be. Follow your dreams. Figure out what you love to do, what makes you come alive, and DO IT! Your dad will make sure you chase your dreams and your mom will make sure you have a savings account to fall back on. But chase hard after them. Don’t let a day go by without doing something, anything you’re passionate about.

Above all remember how deeply and passionately you’re loved and valued.

You are wanted.

You are precious.

You are a prayer come true.

Happy Birthday Bean.

ps. I’ll just apologize now for the ridiculous amounts of documentation your life will have. No one has ever been more grateful for technology!!

You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.

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I’ve been overwhelmed with grief, anger, sadness, frustration, envy, and a bit of insomnia as of late. I can’t quite tell if it is losing my grandfather, the past year crashing in around me, or what but all I know is that I’m struggling. In some ways it feels like I’m on the outside of a glass wall peering into the life I want to have. Thin enough that I can see and hear what is happening on the other side but thick enough to keep me out. There are so many things I want to say, things I long to say, but I refuse to. Because contrary to belief this isn’t my diary, nor are any of my other social media platforms. I get angry when people mistake measured vulnerability for emotional dumping.

What it makes me want to do is retreat. Pull so far back into myself that I get lost. Minimize the pieces of who I am so no fault can be found or judgment passed. It makes me want to stop writing all together. To believe the lies that tell me I’m not good enough or that everyone else is better or that I have nothing of value to say. Sometimes the lies sound so close to truth I don’t know which to believe.

I don’t really know what to say anymore. I feel like I’m shouting into a megaphone at a group of people who stare back at me blankly. So who knows, maybe this is the time to stop writing.

These walls, too hard to climb
And that ladder is too hard to find
I don’t want to be here anymore

These roads, too hard to walk
With the things you’ve been saying
I don’t even want to talk
I don’t want to wind up on the floor

Speak your mind or speak your peace
I swear we’re sinking deep
I don’t want to wind up on the floor
The sky is falling all over again
Just another dis-conclusion
Another disillusion
The sky is falling all over again
Am I losing my composure?
Way too much exposure to compromise
I can’t take on these walls

Here’s to You.

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My grandfather died Saturday.

A year ago this month, we got the devastating news of his brain cancer. We all rushed down to Arizona to circle the wagons and spend as much precious time as we could with him. He decided to have a risky surgery that would potentially give him more time. He argued for years. The doctor said months. We got one more full year with him. I’ve had another birthday, Christmas, New Year, and Easter with him. Things I legitimately did not know if I would get a year ago. Even though I’ve had time to grieve and process, the finality of death hasn’t sunk in.

The last few weeks he has steadily grown worse. The cancer slowly taking over his brain and making him quieter and quieter. The sweetest side of who he is fully exposed. Thinking only of my grandma and greeting us warmly when a beloved nurse would turn on Skype so we could see each other. He remarked how beautiful I was. Told me how much he loved me. The things you always hope to hear but some never do.

His reality is no longer our world in a broken ailing body. He is reunited with my grandmother Ardita. He is holding the two children who never got to walk this earth. He is embracing his father and mother. Our dear Papa is enveloping him with light and love and celebrating a faithful servant.

Grief will come in overwhelming crashes for those of us still remaining. I bump up against a memory or a place where he belongs and the stark contrast of absence is almost obscene. Where there was life there is no more. His voice and his laughter and the tender way he said my name on the phone, they are no more. I won’t hear his voice sing me Happy Birthday. I won’t get to hear the stories of life in years gone by. I won’t smile to myself when I see a newspaper article sent to my dad with his handwriting. That is no more. As my heart screams out in agony, it does so selfishly. Because who wants to feel pain?

Yet what I have come to know is the depth of love I’ve experienced which is increasingly rare. I have known powerful transformational love with my grandparents. I’m one of the lucky few who had them at every stage of my life.  Loving me in the middle of my mess and selfishness. Valuing me. Giving me all they had.

My grandfather was truly one of the best men to walk this earth. He was strong. He was smart. He was kind. He was funny. He was adventurous. He was wise. He was generous. He was brilliant. He was joyful. He liked to sneak dessert away from the watchful eye of my grandmother. He challenged me to be better. To be strong and brave and different. He left the world a better place than when he entered it. He has shared a mantle of a family. One who will stick together no matter the circumstance. He was our patriarch. A haven of safety in an uncertain world. He himself had known deep sorrow and deep love. Always choosing to walk forward in love.

He loved the stinkiest grossest cheese. He loved carrot cake. He loved tennis. He loved skiing. He loved traveling. He loved his children and step-children. He loved his grandchildren and step-grandchildren. He adored his first and second wife. He would kiss my cheek right near my ear so the sound of his kiss would ring long after. I was his first grandchild. His only biological granddaughter. I inherited his wife’s wedding dress and her smile. I was all giggles and sunshine and emotional. He would wrap me in his arms and hold me tight. He wanted us to live. Live well. Live freely. Live passionately. Live for others.

And I’m pretty sure if he could look back at this life he would smile and say, “I lived.”

He didn’t like our tears over his impending death. So while I shed them now, I know they will come to an end. My life will be all too fleeting and I know he’ll be standing there to wrap his arms around me the day I take that step from one world to another.

But now?  Now because I have known the depth of love, I know the depth of sorrow. But like him, I will choose love.