I’ve been in the hotel most of the time because my primarily responsibility is to coordinate logistics. That’s a whole other blog post. But the things that have struck me so far are these:

Children are children everywhere.  I don’t care if they are Swazi, Mexican, Indian, or American, they are the same. I was driving to the airport to try and get my boxes out of customs (again, another blog post), and we were stopped on the street. I looked over to the left and saw two boys with some sticks and what looked like a marble or golf ball type thing and they were playing a game. It wasn’t one I recognized so I can only assume they made it up or it was something they play in their area.

I smiled looking at the boys because I remember seeing similar situations in Africa. They play soccer every moment they can over there. Regardless of what the soccer ball looks like. They just play. Granted their playing looks very different from ours.

The second thing that hit me is the beggars. Because I’ve seen poverty from a young age I’m not devastatingly shocked by it anymore. It still moves me and breaks my heart but it doesn’t wreck my world. I’ve seen beggars on the streets of Chicago, on bridges in Nashville, covered in boxes in New York, sleeping on the sidewalk in Africa, and now I’ve seen them covered in rags on the walkways of India. You’d hardly know if they were alive except for the small movement of a foot that protruded from the rags.

We had time to go to the Kali temple. Our guide gave us a brief history on the Hindu goddess that is worshipped there and how the temple is being used today. I can honestly say, I felt a darkness as soon as I crossed the threshold of that temple that I’ve only felt once or twice before. My chest got heavy, I felt dizzy, and the oppression was so thick you could cut it.

As we walked to the temple, there were swarms of people. The majority of them headed to worship, and the rest were begging. Weaving in and out of the crowd you try to avoid stepping on someone as they are sleeping while also trying not to get run over by a bicycle or pedestrians. The walk alone is sensory overload.

Sites, sounds, smells, I’ve never seen below. Color, chanting, yelling, and sewage invade every fiber of your being. “Those are used to worship Kali. They look beautiful, though no?” says our guide. “Yeah, I probably would have bought one.” I reply. “No. You mustn’t buy one of those and put it in your house. It would not be safe. There is real evil here.” She warns. And I believe her.

It’s hard to reconcile the beggars across the street with the stalls selling beautiful trinkets probably costing two days wages that will be given to a piece of stone. It’s hard to reconcile the hungry children with the countless animals that are slaughtered at the temple to an inanimate object who has a darkness surrounding it.

It’s hard to reconcile the despair in general.

But the beggars. The beggars are a curious study. Some hold their hands out, stare you straight in the eyes, and ask for money. Others hold their hands out, keep their head and eyes downcast, and quietly ask for money. All in all they have the same need and the basic plan of getting it – the empathy and guilt of other people.

We walk a bit and all of a sudden, as clear as day, poverty of spirit becomes alive for me. No longer is my heart turned off and my spirit numb to the surroundings – a coping mechanism to be sure – but instead I start to see myself as one of those beggars. Of how needy I was and am for Christ. That I have nothing apart from him but dirty rags, an outstretched hand, and downcast eyes.

It’s all I can do to keep from weeping openly at the picture in front of me of the state of my heart before I was rescued. I want to stand there and hug all of the beggars. To tell them I understand, that my heart was there. That I too lived a life of poverty.

But I can’t, because I don’t really understand. I can see them and identify them. But I also can’t perform heart surgery because I’ve watched Grey’s Anatomy. I would have to choose a life of physical poverty to understand the depth of my spiritual poverty to fully comprehend the greatness of Christ’s sacrifice for me.

And that, that sounds like a heavy task.

Praise God for His grace, amen?

First porn and now sex? Maybe I should have put a rating on these things

(Sidenote: Dad, I know you read these, so I won’t be offended if you don’t want to read this one. Love, your little girl…)

So where were we? Oh right – Sex. How a three letter word can change so much is beyond me. Contrary to popular belief, sex is the epitome of intimacy. As far as I’m aware, there is no greater way to be intimate with someone than by sex. Unfortunately, our culture has cheapened it.

For so long, sex was seen as something sacred between two married people. While I’m certain (and not naive) that sex outside of marriage has been happening for centuries, I do appreciate the cultures seemed to respect it more in years gone by.

When the sexual revolution happened in the ’60′s, everything changed. Not all of the change was bad, but some of it was. I’m not sure why but the Church decided to treat sex as something quiet and shameful. I can only speak from my twenty-five years of life, but growing up I never saw sex as something to celebrate and enjoy within a marriage by the Church.

It was always a list of “don’t's.” Don’t go too far with a boy. Don’t be alone with someone of the opposite sex after dark. Don’t have sex before you’re married. Don’t think about sex before you’re married. Don’t, don’t don’t. Again, we took the extreme of our culture’s revolution and put ourselves into a different prison cell. Neither “no strings attached” sex or sheltered sex are healthy mindsets.

We’re going back to the first few days we talked about dating being more about healthy relationships than about a ideology of courtship vs dating. The same goes for sex. I know our parents were trying to do the best they could but I think alot of you would agree with me, that the secrecy and rebellion of having sex seemed to add to the appeal.

I truly don’t believe there is something called “no strings attached” sex. I believe sex always has strings attached. It should be that way. It was made as a way to bind your heart to another person’s. It was created as an act of worship. It’s a scary thing to be completely naked in front of someone else. Physically, spiritually, emotionally.

Again, there are some things I truly cannot speak from experience on and while I’m definitely not perfect and have my own past, this is something I don’t believe I need to understand to know it’s a bad idea. The media makes sleeping around so glamorous. I’m not scared to admit that the world makes it’s perversion of sex look attractive. Maybe if we start admitting that it seems like something to be admired. Almost a badge of honor of sorts. It makes the people on TV worthy or wanted if everyone wants to sleep with them.

I’ll say it here like I said it to my roommate’s boyfriend last night, “I don’t care whether or not every guy thinks I’m beautiful. I only want to be beautiful to one man.” I feel the same way about sex. I don’t care if any or no guy wants to sleep with me. Except one.

I’ve seen this enough times in my friends to ache with them. I’ve cried with them over the pain and the regrets. I’ve heard the longing in their voices when they talk about the past and the “if I only knew then…”‘s. My heart breaks for and with them. I’m so thankful our pasts can be redeemed and some of the most beautiful pictures of redemption have been through these women. I love their stories and wouldn’t change a thing about them. But I also know they can offer a wisdom that I will most likely never have. The wisdom of knowing what a lie “no strings attached” really is.

On the flip side of that is the other prison cell we move into:

Sheltered sex can potentially do more damage than good. While I’m not ragging on anyone, I think having your first kiss the same day as your wedding night is a traumatic mistake. Why? Why would you go from no intimacy to everything? You know what happens? This. She keeps defining herself by her virginity! “After tomorrow, I won’t be a virgin any more!” C’mon guys, really? Sure – everyone has their reasons, and I can respect those, but I get really worried when I see couples like that.

Here’s the thing. You all know I’ve never been kissed. When people find out about it the first question I get (after the sympathy encouragement) is, “are you waiting to have your first kiss until your wedding day??” And my answer is always no. No, I’m not waiting until the day that I publicly make vows to a man. No I’m not waiting for the day when I’m supposed to be more intimate with someone than I’ve ever been. NO! It’s like taking a car out and going from ZERO to 100! What about that is a good idea?!?!

Again, habits take time to form. Viewing sex as an evil, off-limits, shameful thing is not going to be undone because I’ve said, “I do.” Our flesh has skewed our perception. Just because we’re called to give ourselves to our spouse only does not mean we’re sacrificing some major life experience by not sleeping around. Culture would tell me that I’m making a huge mistake by waiting until I’m married. Christian Culture forbids me to even think of such things.

But Papa? I’m pretty sure He’s the ultimate romantic. I mean, have you READ Song of Solomon? I blush every time I do! Have you READ Hosea? Where He calls Hosea to woo and chase after a prostitute? Our God is a God of romance, of intimacy. He knows our inner most being. He is a Lover. For crying out loud – have you seen a sunset? He woo’s us every morning and every evening by reminding us that His mercies are new every day. What human will ever know me the way He knows me? What human has the responsibility to know me the way He knows me?

As far as I’m concerned, sex will be a way to understand intimacy in a way I’ve never known. I don’t want to cheapen that by not keeping it in the context of what it was designed for. I also don’t want to be so caught up in what I’ve been told the last twenty some years that all I feel is shame.

We do a really good job of shaming each other, no? Especially when it comes to sexual sin. So to all of you who have been shamed by the Church or believers, I am so sorry. I am so sorry for the hurt they have caused and the words they have said. Papa’s heart for you is NOT shame, only best. You are lovely. Your past does not define you. Do you hear me? Your past does not define you.

My hope is that those of you who are reading this can relate. To one side, the other, or somewhere in between. My hope is that you understand the depth of intimacy of this incredible gift. My hope is that you’ll make decisions out of a desire for healthy habits that lead to healthy relationships. My hope is that you’ll know how loved you are. My hope is that you’re able to forgive.

Forgive the people who hurt you so deeply that you locked yourself into one prison cell or the other. Forgive the Church for causing you shame. Forgive the boy who pressured you into too much too soon. Forgive the girl who broke your heart. Forgive the people who made you feel less than who you are because of something they had no business being involved in. Forgive yourself for rebelling. Forgive, because He forgave first.

Tomorrow – time to close out this series.

ps. Thanks to my best friend Steph Shivers for helping me talk this one out.

Porn – it’s such a tricky thing and seemingly so well defined. But I would argue that it’s not well defined. Sure we have societal, industry, and the religious definitions but what exactly IS porn? I did a quick search in Miriam Webster.

Definition of PORNOGRAPHY

1: the depiction of erotic behavior (as in pictures or writing) intended to cause sexual excitement

2: material (as books or a photograph) that depicts erotic behavior and is intended to cause sexual excitement

3: the depiction of acts in a sensational manner so as to arouse a quick intense emotional reaction.

Hmm… different than what I thought it would be. How about you? I especially want to zero in on the third definition. “… arouse a quick intense emotional reaction.” Oh wait, so there’s emotional porn too? I feel like chick-flicks and romantic novels should be next to that statement in parentheses.

Now don’t get me wrong – I am a sucker for romance just like any other girl. I want to be wooed, desired, and pursued. I’m just learning that real life wooing is much different than that of novels and movies. Yesterday we talked about traditional porn and how it teaches people that their future spouse’s body won’t satisfy them. While I can’t speak from experience I can agree with that theory.

I can however speak to the experience of feeling like no man will ever match up to the lead in a romance novel or Noah from the Notebook. I think it was sometime in college that I realized that I turned to these books when I was feeling unwanted or unlovable. For a few hours I could escape into a novel where there was usually a feisty girl, some sort of conflict, enter the romantic hero who she either doesn’t get along with or they don’t love each other at first, more conflict, eventually he rescues her, and they fall madly in love. At some point he lets her down but then quickly realizes what he’s done and says all the right things to make up for it.

It wasn’t so much as the actual novels and content, it was what I did with it. I filled a void, an ache, and an emptiness. I kept pushing real life guys away to see if we could create our own romantic novel. I set them up for expectations that they couldn’t ever meet without realizing it. But as I started diving into the struggles my guy friends had with porn, I started to see my own struggle.It’s amazing how seeing the struggle of someone else often is a mirror to your own struggles.

Just like young men are exposed to traditional porn very early on, I think emotional porn is something that we are exposed to from a very young age. I would argue that soft core emotional porn starts with Disney Princess movies.

I watched those movies from a very young age, as I’m sure many of us did. We cut our teeth on Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, and Beauty and the Beast. We were raised to believe in fairytale endings and happily ever after. Between 1989 – 1995 (6 years), Disney released 5 Disney Princess movies. Compare that to the 3 between 1937-1959 (18 years) and it’s not hard to see the significant influx of these types of movies between different generations.

Couple the early influence of fairy tale endings, children being raised as a product of divorced house-holds, aggressive women / passive men, and you’ve got the perfect storm of dysfunctional young adults. Many of us grew up thinking that marriage is the next logical step right after high school or into college, especially those of us influenced by the courtship movement. So naturally, we did what we thought was the right thing and got married.

We got married believing in fairy tale endings, prince charming, and romantic comedies. We came from dysfunctional house holds and shunned dating which kept us from learning healthy relationship skills. We set ourselves up to fail.

And fail we’ve done. I can name half a dozen great Godly men I know whose wives have cheated on them and left. These guys are primarily in their twenties or early thirties. It shocked me when I started noticing a trend of this. Guys in Nashville, guys in Colorado, it was an epidemic! It broke my heart because I knew that so much of it has been because women haven’t gotten what they need and leave to find it elsewhere. Not realizing that they will never be fulfilled by another human. But they don’t believe that to be true so they keep moving on breaking their own hearts and the hearts of these wonderful men.

Ladies, Prince Charming does not exist. Noah does not exist. Mr. Darcy does not exist. You know who does exist? A whole generation of men who can’t measure up to them. A whole generation of men that we’ve written off because they don’t write us letters every day for a year or stand in a field at sunrise waiting for us to show up so they can declare their love for us. A whole generation of men that long to fight for you but they don’t know how.

These men have more romance that you could ever imagine. They have more romance than the movies, and the novels, and the tv shows put together. They just don’t know it. They need to know we aren’t going to make fun of their feeble attempts or shoot them down when they fumble through a compliment. They need to know that THEY are enough. They need to know we don’t expect them to be perfect but we want them. We don’t want a made up version of them. We want the real life flawed imperfect silly confusing wonderful them.

The sooner we start admitting this and living in it – the better it will be in our relationships.

Let’s encourage each other to stop numbing our loneliness with emotional porn. Instead of going to see the new Twilight movie – go to coffee or go for a hike. Spend time talking about your loneliness and being mutually encouraging in the faith. Make dinner. Just don’t numb the ache together.

Two more posts to go and then we’re all finished! Well maybe…

When these blogs started taking shape in my brain I knew there were a few things I wanted to touch on and porn was definitely one of them. But we’re going to look at porn from two angles. Traditional Porn and Emotional Porn.

Traditional porn is something that I don’t understand and probably never will. I was pretty sheltered in my growing up years so while I knew it existed, I didn’t quite understand the magnitude of what was and is happening with porn.

It wasn’t until college and I was talking to a dear friend about her boyfriend. In one of our many late night talks she confided in me that he had struggled with porn. I was shocked. This guy seemed like a totally normal, God-fearing, man who pursued my friend like I had never seen before. How could he struggle with porn? I lost a little bit of my naiveté that day.

She confessed that she was caught off guard by it as well but was thankful he had been honest with her from the beginning. I still couldn’t get over it. I started asking female friends who were in serious relationships, engaged, or married if this was a more wide-spread issue than I thought.

They confirmed my suspicions. And to be honest, I was mad. I felt robbed and cheated by these women who existed in magazines, movies, and online. They promised to fulfill something I never could. I got mad at my guy friends. Why were they doing this? Didn’t they know it wasn’t healthy? Didn’t they know it set up unrealistic expectations?

I was discouraged and frustrated. I learned in those moments that even though I didn’t have a husband, whoever he was, already was being told that I would never be enough. That this precious gift I had saved all these years wouldn’t satisfy him. 

As I got a little older and asked more questions, I started to understand a little more. I started to understand the easy access. I started to understand woundings and emotional fulfillment. I started to understand sin and temptation. I also started to understand grace and forgiveness. I started to understand that every guy born after the year 1980 has had access to porn. I started to understand that yes, it IS his choice to engage with it, it’s not a black and white issue.

I also started to understand that the same void that traditional porn was filling for them, was the same void chick-flicks and romance novels were filling in my life. And once I understood that reality – when I had something tangible in my life to compare porn to, my whole view shifted.

But then I got mad again. I got mad at myself. I made excuses for why chick-flicks and romance novels are different. Even though my married friends always told me that life wouldn’t be like a chick-flick, I held onto my expectation that my Mr. Darcy would ride in and save the day. My unrealistic expectations were socially acceptable. I believed in fairy tale love, not just sex and lust. But we’re going to talk more about socially acceptable forms of porn tomorrow.

So here’s the thing ladies and gents. If you’re actively engaging in porn, you are being taught a lesson that your future spouse won’t ever be enough. The choices you are making now are directly impacting your future. You are hurting your future spouse. I don’t say this stuff lightly. I know porn has a draw and can take hold. If you need help then get help. The way to remove the power of something is to bring it to light. Shame has no hold over you except the hold you give it.

I get it – I have no expectation that someday the man I marry won’t have struggled with that. I’m not going to hold it against him. I’m not going to use it as a weapon when we fight. I just want him to know that someday I want to be enough. I want to be everything he wants and if the things he wants are expectations that I will never be able to fulfill, that will break my heart. But it’ll be okay. And I’ll fight through that with him. I’m not afraid of it.

Tomorrow – emotional porn. Just so you know, I’m wincing right now because I know this is probably going to be another topic where I have to confess my own failures. Drat.

If you’re so inclined – Andy Stanley gives one of the best talks I’ve ever heard for men. He addresses porn near the end of it. If you’ve got the time, give a listen here and click part 2.

“Hey, we should grab coffee sometime.” – he said.

“Uh yeah… sure. That’d be great.” – I replied.

Hours later I called my best friend-in-the-making.

“I think he asked me out? I’m not sure. He asked me to get coffee but I don’t know if it’s a date or not.” I quietly confided in her. “What should I do?”

That coffee set into motion a series of events that dramatically impacted my life. Not long after that conversation we had coffee. Coffee eventually turned into lunches, which turned into dinners, which turned into hanging out at his house, which turned into late night conversations.

We fought, we laughed, we talked politics and life philosophies, we annoyed each other, but yet we always ended up back together hanging out. People started to talk. They constantly asked me questions. I didn’t have a real answer for them so I always took the safe side and assured them we were just friends.

But in my own spirit I wasn’t so sure. I was sure, however, that I was slowly letting this man into my heart. I was letting him tear down my walls. Five months after we had that fateful coffee, I finally asked him what was going on. He wasn’t sure but told me we were just friends.

I told him that was fine but if that was the case then I needed better boundaries because my heart was involved. And he didn’t like my boundaries. And I didn’t understand why he didn’t like my boundaries. So I spent the next 6 months confused. I pushed him away and then missed him and tried to do better. We both failed miserably. We hurt each other and we hurt ourselves.

I’m not saying any of this to make him a villan and myself a victim because I was absolutely a willing participant in this. I’m using this story as a prime example of a friendationship. You guys, this is one of the worst habits our culture has developed. We know that women are crazy and men aren’t pursuing. So we do an awkward dance of non-commitment, “are we or aren’t we” conversations, and we leave a string of unresolved issues in our wake.

Talk about baggage that comes into a new relationship. Friendationships rarely have resolution. Eventually one person falls for the other and the other person falls in love with someone else. But too much has been given for it to be considered “just friends” yet there was never an intentional pursuit so it isn’t classified as a “dating relationship.” I believe at the heart of a friendationship is selfishness.

I’m too selfish to give up the comfort of being wanted and important to someone even if he isn’t dating me in order to save my heart from wreckage and wounding.
He’s too selfish to give up the comfort of intimacy without a commitment. He can sort through his issues with me, avoid the loneliness, and not have to deal with a girlfriend.

Hey everyone, do we see how this allows women to fill our ache of wanting to be loved and men an easy way to get the benefits without pursuit? It has disaster written all over it. Lines get messy and blurred and we start living lives that are reproachable and filled with questions. And I know I’m not the only one who has seen or experienced this.

So here’s a simple test to see if you’re in a friendationship:

• Do you hang out alone often?
• Do you have any question if you have more than platonic feelings for him or vice versa?
• Do people ask you what is going on between the two of you and you don’t have an answer?
• Do you talk about your hopes, dreams, secrets, wishes, childhood memories, woundings, etc, more than you would with any one else of the opposite sex?
• Are you physical with this person?
• Ladies: if a guy came along and tried to pursue you, would their be room in your life, but more importantly, your heart, for him?
• Guys: If you started pursuing another woman, would she ask questions about this other girl in your life?

This is a hard and painful blog to write because it’s my own story. One that is healing. One that (thankfully) doesn’t exist in present tense in 2012. But the story wasn’t all bad. Because the LORD used this man to redeem so much of my own past.

I learned that I fight dirty. I learned that I push people away to see if they’ll fight for me. I learned that I have a crazy side. I learned that I can find a man who is willing to let his guard down and show me his tender side. I learned that I am worthy of love. I learned that I am beautiful and valuable. I learned that I can show the good, bad, and ugly of who I am, and still be wanted. I learned to love the LORD in a way I never knew I could.

I learned that I have a heart that can forgive. I learned that in the midst of immense pain the only thing I wanted to do was leave him with sweetness. I learned that even though my heart was breaking and I was mad as hell, I would have done anything to protect him and not cause him pain.

I learned to love a city that caused so many wounds. I learned to love the outdoors. I learned that I can just sit and be still. I learned that you shouldn’t throw sand “snowballs” at someone unless you’re sure they aren’t going to turn and get sand in their eyes. I learned that it’s okay to ask for help. I learned that some day, another man will know my favorite type of cracker and that I like my water with no ice.

I am a different person because of that friendationship. I am thankful for the incredible man I got to know and how God used him to shape me into the woman I am today. God restored my heart and redeemed my friendationship, because, well He’s awesome like that.

But it taught me the lesson of just how messy things get when I act out of selfishness. It taught me that I sold myself (and him) short on the plans God had for each of us apart from our friendationship. It taught me how to be a woman and what it looks like to be pursued. It taught me that regardless of how many times I’m selfish and messy and sharp and raw and broken, I have a Lover who chases me to the ends of the earth.

Woo boy. That was a doozy. Props if you made it this far.

Next up – Porn. Yup – we’re going there.

Man, I have been getting some great feedback from you guys! I’d love to hear more of it so keep those tweets, messages, emails, and texts coming!

So guys – thanks for letting me focus on you a bit today. Yesterday was more of the tactical stuff. Why to ask girls out, how to do it, how to not do it, etc.

Today I’m going to focus a little more on some heart issues with you. I promise not to get too touchy-feely so don’t worry. I talked to the women about how scary it can be when you’re not getting asked out on dates and you feel the need to control or manipulate situations to try to. I want to clue you in a bit from another perspective on some of that.

I’ve never been the type of girl who walks into a room, heads turn, and people pay attention. I’ve never been the most beautiful girl in the room and most likely won’t. I’m okay with this. I’ve always been the buddy. The girl who guys really like to hang out with, who can hold her own in conversations, and becomes the stand-in “girl friend” when the girl they want won’t go out with them. I’ve counseled many a guy friend who was interested in dating my best friend or someone else.

I don’t know if it was some masochistic tendency but it became my story. My pattern. And eventually my wounding. These poor guys had no idea. Most of the time I kept my feelings so secret that no one knew. But then they would eventually start liking someone and I would be devastated. I was their friend so I was safe. They could talk to me about girls they liked or problems they were having.

It sucked. I’m still not entirely sure why I allowed myself to be in those situations but I did. I thought maybe, just maybe, they would see how awesome I was, and funny, and easy to be around, and they’d want to date me. But they never did. I was always put into the friend zone.

I’ve heard both arguments on the friend zone. I’m still uncertain whether or not I believe someone can move from friend to significant other. I do however believe you’re supposed to marry your best friend so I’m still trying to sort out how that all works. But I digress.

The friend zone I could handle. It was the “Are we or are we not?” zone that really drove me crazy. And guys – here’s where you come into play. The easiest way to fail a woman is to lead her on when you have no intention of pursuit.

Hurting us, disappointing us, breaking our hearts are all things we can generally handle. We’re pretty forgiving. But lead us on and you’ve pretty much shot yourself in the foot. Many of you could easily say that it’s just as much our responsibility not to get led on as it is your responsibility not to lead us on, but really guys? Again – let’s go back and look at the lesson we’ve been learning. You hold the power. You direct the relationship be it friendship or romantic.

Just for the record telling us that you’re not ready to be in a relationship but you’re not ready to lose the intimacy you have with us AKA a FRIENDATIONSHIP is leading us on. Your actions and words must line up. If you’re telling us you don’t want to date but you are continuing to spend time exclusively with us, then you’re not protecting us. You are hurting us. And guys, I’m not going to insult you and give you a hard fast rule of when it’s okay to hang out with a girl as a friend and when it’s not. Because honestly it’s a different line with every girl.

Let’s be honest you usually know when she’s falling for you.

It may seem extreme but the best way to prevent things from getting messier is to get out of that relationship. Take time away from each other. Just because you don’t want to date us doesn’t mean no one else can date us. Unfortunately, many women, myself included, see the potential in a guy and we want to give him the benefit of the doubt. We believe in him so we stick around way longer than we should. Our hearts get involved and it doesn’t end well for anyone.

And our hearts. Men, our hearts. They are incredibly precious and tender. Don’t get me wrong, we are warriors in our own way. Have you ever seen a woman’s loved one threatened? We go crazy. Hair starts flying, fingers get pointed, claws come out, and there is usually some sort of vicious throw down.

But our hearts are so soft. I cannot stress this enough. Because when it comes to you, we melt. All of the princess movies and fairy tales come rushing back to our memories and we twirl and laugh and smile all over. We glow.

We’re constantly warring within ourselves whether to lock those hearts in a big safe tower so we can’t be hurt or wear them on our sleeves. And yes, most of the time we give them away too freely. We offer them to anyone who says our hair looks nice or likes our picture on Facebook. For that I absolutely hold my gender responsible. We’re crazy, remember?

It’s not easy to decide how or when to give our heart away but when we do, you get the greatest treasure in all the world. Please protect and cherish it. Please love us enough that if you don’t return our feelings or worry that we are falling for you, you end it. You end the friendship even if it hurts you.

The wound you inflict momentarily will spare endless nights of tears. It will spare the tear-stained pillow and the muffled midnight sobs. It will keep us from hating you. It will keep our anger to an appropriate amount of time. As Counselor Kevin told me, “Anger past it’s expiration date is bitterness.” Give us the gift of being able to forgive. Give us the gift of closure. Give us the gift of moving on. Give us the gift of forgetting you. Give us the gift of letting go.

Love it will not betray you, dismay or enslave you,
It will set you free
Be more like the man you were made to be.

That little girl you all know or have seen? The one who wears princess dresses and twirls and still believes her prince charming will slay the dragon? The one who you would literally fight to the death for? Fight for her. Fight for her by sacrificing your own wants and needs.

She exists in every woman. So fight for her. Fight for her little girl heart that has probably never been fought for before.

Next up – we’re delving into Friendationships. And oh man is this a good one!

Okay guys. I’ve been pretty tough on the ladies. I’ve reminded them that just because you take us to dinner doesn’t mean you want to marry us. I’ve explained how we fail you when we jump the gun and imagine our whole lives planned out and when we take control of relationships.

These are tough things for a woman to admit – especially in the culture we live in today. Because guys, it SUCKS being a Christian woman in today’s society. We’ve been raised to believe we’re worthy of pursuit. That someone will fight for us. We cut our teeth on Cinderella and Pride and Prejudice and Redeeming Love. All wonderful fiction and I’ll address the topic of those expectations another day, but that’s what we crave. And we’re living in a culture where you just aren’t fighting for us. So for now, I’m going to be really honest.

If you don’t step up and start pursuing us, we’re going to lose an entire generation. The future is on your shoulders. And I get it – I really do. We women are half of the problem. And we could argue all day about which came first – passive men or aggressive women. But what I’m saying to you is that it really is time to stop. As men, it is your duty to be the warriors. I don’t think I’ve ever met a woman who, if she’s brutally honest, doesn’t desire a man to be the pursuer.

I’m not entirely sure when it happened but at some point in the last few decades men starting being portrayed as weak. We emasculated you and for that I am truly sorry. I’m sorry you’re the only ones who can be poked fun of in the media. I’m sorry that we started pursuing you. I’m sorry that our control issues took away your desire to fight for us. I’m sorry that we castrated you into a group of passive weak men. I think the LORD’s heart broke when this started. I believe He weeps when He sees the unhealthiness of how we view each gender.

It’s a fine line to walk. Because you hold the power in a relationship. It’s very very easy for you to abuse that and lead us on. Some of you do it intentionally because you’re selfish and some of you doing it unknowingly and all of a sudden it’s too late to salvage a friendship because someone’s heart is way too involved.

You set the tone. If you passively show enough interest we will take the lead. We’ll take control and as I mentioned the other day, setting us up to take control is setting us up to fail. When you act out of your masculinity, you allow us to be free. You give us the gift of not trying to figure things out and it calms our crazy brains. You may not believe me, but it’s true. A woman at rest is one of the most beautiful things in the world and you can help create more of those.

A few years ago I went on a ski trip with about 40 twenty-somethings. We had a blast of a weekend and a few of us ended up going to Denver on the way home to go line dancing. I had never really been line dancing and was never asked to a dance in high school. Add this to the fact that I had just moved back to Colorado a few months prior and didn’t know anyone and all my junior high insecurities came flooding back.

There was one less guy than girl so I assumed I would be the girl who wouldn’t two step with any of the guys. As a song ended and my friends came back towards me, one of the guys reached out his hand and asked if I wanted to dance. I was shocked. Like almost to the point where I couldn’t move. He grabbed my hand and took me out on the floor. I was so tense and could hardly move because I didn’t know what to do. Except lead. I knew how to lead all too well.

After we stumbled through some awkward steps he looked at me, half smiled, and yelled, “Let me lead, Rachel!! Stop trying to anticipate the moves and let me lead!” It felt like a gentle slap in the face. I didn’t know how to be led and every time I struggled to take control it made it harder on him. We made it through the dance and much to my surprise, I didn’t spend the night on the sidelines and had one of the funnest nights of my life. But I’ve never forgotten that firm reminder of who was made to lead.

Okay – enough about all of that. I know you men are pretty black and white and like to fix things. So I’ve created a list for you. Some practical things you can do if you’re thinking about asking a woman out:

• Show intentional interest. Don’t make her wonder if you like her.
• Ask her to dinner. With a specific date and time and restaurant.
• Don’t hem and haw and sort of ask her out if she’s got some time and use alot of “…”‘s. Man up!
• Don’t do the “hey! wanna grab _____” unless you’re actually asking her if you can take her to coffee, or a beer, or ice cream.
• Pay. If you’re on a date, regardless of any type of protest she puts up, pay.
• Hold the door for her. And anyone else if they are coming or going when you are.
• Walk her to her car.
• If you like her enough that you think you’ll ask her out again, follow up with something like, “I had a great time. We should do this again soon.” If she agrees, make a mental note to call her within a couple days and plan another date. This won’t freak her out.
• If you don’t think you’ll go out again, thank her for a fun evening. Don’t give her any leading statements or room to assume. Because she will assume.
• DON’T say “so when are we going to hang out again?” if you have no intention of following through with that statement.
• Put a little thought into the date and don’t blow your budget. Most girls I know are way more impressed with something creative than something or somewhere expensive. Heck, Chick-fil-A can be fun!
• DO NOT TAKE HER TO COFFEE. Unless this is a follow up to a movie, or dinner, or something else.

Here’s what you need to know. I think it’s sexy when I see a man being a man. I mean if I wanted to date a girl, I would be a lesbian for crying out loud. What I want is a man in all his male glory. I want a man who is going to be the rational one when I’m crazy. I want someone who is strong enough for me to lean on in the tough times. I want a man who is strong enough to be tender. I want a man who is strong enough to be humble.

And I don’t think the man I’m looking for is Bigfoot because guys, I’ve SEEN you! You are amazing. You have so much potential and I believe in you!! There are very few men I’ve met in my life that I’ve truly thought they couldn’t change the world. The problem is that you’ve lost your fight.

When I see you in your element – helping me carry the big box that I’m too stubborn to ask for help with, holding the door, paying the bill before I know to ask for separate checks, standing up for a cause you believe in, praying with authority in front of others, or calling me to the carpet when I’m full of crap, I’m pretty sure my heart leaps a little bit because you’re there. You’re there and you just need someone to believe in you and cheer for your heart.

So here I am… without agenda or a hidden motive, telling you that you are strong. You are enough. You are worth fighting for. You are not a lost generation. You have everything to offer. You are the men we long for. You are the men our little girl hearts imagined. You are. You just need to be reminded of that.

Speaking of little girl hearts… tomorrow we’re going to dive into some more grit of how you can protect our hearts. Now that you know you can fight – I’ve got something for you to fight for.

If you’re just joining us, feel free to catch up on Part 1 Here and Part 2 Here.

Yesterday we looked at craziness of the female brain. How we need to stop thinking that just because he takes us to dinner means he wants to marry us. Yet I know the pain of wanting to have the problem of not assuming he wants to marry me. I didn’t go on my first date until I was 20. It was a through eHarmony and a terrible experience and I vowed to never do it again. I didn’t get asked out on another date until almost 3 years later.

Three years and several friendationships later, I found myself once again on eHarmony. I had two different guys interested in me. They both seemed nice enough but I had incredibly high levels of anxiety as I prepared to go on the first date. To be honest, the poor guy didn’t stand a chance. What he didn’t know was that my heart was fully wrapped up in someone who couldn’t or wouldn’t commit to me. I tried online dating as a desperate measure to forget him and move on.

As we got through the awkward first few minutes, I quickly realized he seemed more interested in conversation with the waiter than me. Mildly relieved, I knew there wouldn’t be a second date. Six weeks later I tried again with a local guy who seemed to be semi-normal. Wrong again. This guy actually showed up at the church I worked at trying to find me on a Sunday. I was an admin so I worked during the work week. Not on the weekends. Our students pastor found him wandering the halls of the office trying to find me. When I showed up at work on Monday I was informed that I never needed to date him again.

My first three experiences with dates were all through eHarmony and that was often a source of embarrassment. At 24, it was the first time I was asked out by a guy I actually knew. It felt significant because no one who had known me had ever actually asked me out before. We had an enjoyable dinner but ultimately things went nowhere.

So believe me when I say, I understand the question and the loneliness in wondering if you’ll ever be asked out. The bitterness in wishing to have the problem of not needing to assume it’s true love after one date. Out of that knowing comes the other part I’d like to address with the ladies and also help you guys understand our woundings.

There is a deep dark fear of being alone inside each of us. As women, we often fear not being loved, of not being worthy, of not being lovely, of no one fighting for us. We have deep relational fears that someOne is holding out on us. And we can trace this back to the very first female to walk the earth.

These deep fears control and manipulate the best of us. I have fallen victim to this every single time. I am a master at manipulation. My ability to conveniently be in the same place as the guy I like is uncanny. I know how to get them to hang out, confide in me, and make me important in their life. But it’s out of a need to control. My insecurity as a woman is only taken away when I first find rest in security of who God is and second when I trust in who a man is.

The hardest thing for me to do is to sit back and let a man pursue me. I am SO good at pursuing. I’ve always been good at figuring out what I want and how to make it mine. Unfortunately those tactics rarely work with people and even less in healthy romantic relationships. I’ve endured countless heartache due to my own disobedience. I’ve deliberately disobeyed the Lord when He’s called me to be a woman and wait to be pursued. And maybe because my deepest desires (to be a wife and mother) are tied to needing and desiring a male companion to fulfill them, I tend to take back control when I see potential developing.

I can only count the number of potential relationships I killed because of my disobedience.

But here’s what I’m learning. When a man DOES pursue you, it is the most glorious thing in the world. I had a man come out of the blue. Someone who wasn’t on my radar and someone I couldn’t have manipulated into saying the things he did. But he pursued me. He pursued my heart. And without even knowing it, something in me changed.

It was like the paradigm of my behavior shifted. I didn’t even notice it until I was at work one day and someone asked me what was different. I had no idea what they were talking about until I met with my counselor later that same day. He unknowingly reaffirmed what had been said earlier and I finally traced back the only different variable in my life. Him. His words. His heart. His story. His pursuit.

And while things with this guy changed, I had a wise friend remind me that now I knew what it was like to be pursued, I should never settle for less than what he did to my heart. Because she watched me wait around and settle for the man who didn’t pursue me for over a year versus the way this man pursued me in less than a month.

It wasn’t like this was a new thing I was witnessing either. I saw a dear guy friend  become Romeo when a woman secure enough with herself allowed him to pursue her. She did nothing to manipulate or control him. She awakened his masculine heart with her feminine spirit. And suddenly I saw my clueless and goofy guy friend turn into a romantic lead who secretly asked her sister what her favorite flower was so he could surprise her.

Ladies, society does not make it easy on us. They tell us that we have equal rights. That we can do everything men can do and we should exercise our ability. While I’m all for women’s rights, I do believe that we have a Creator who celebrated the day He made us different from Adam. He saw us as no more or less valuable than His first human creation. But He saved us for last, because He knew we were a treasure and it was the man’s responsibility to care for us. Not the other way around.

Not only does society not make it easy, but our loneliness and fears make it even harder. Our flesh just wants to take control because if we don’t make it happen, it never will. But those are lies. Lies that can only lead to death and destruction. Sure, you may end up married. You may end up married to a genuinely nice guy who loves the LORD and loves you. But you’ll always have the question in the back of your mind. If you hadn’t pursued him, would he have pursued you?

So I challenge you – I challenge you to leave your dark passengers of fear, manipulation, and control behind and embrace the beauty of being a woman. Of being loved. Of being worthy of a fight. Of being enough. Of being the one who should be pursued.

I challenge you to shed the dirty rags of who the world tells you to be and instead clothes yourselves with dignity and grace. Because your feminine spirit will invite a masculine heart into the fight for you. And when we start changing the way we act, we will allow men to be men. We will stop taking on the role of pursuer and pursued. We will find freedom in being a woman.

So, Ladies, here we are. If you’re brave enough to read this, I commend you. And guys, for those of you curious enough to come back for a look into a female brain, you may want to grab a beer or something to help make sense of it all.

Here’s the thing about girls. We’re crazy. We just need to admit it. The way our brains work is ridiculous. We can be thinking about one thing, while having a conversation about something else, while driving to somewhere we’ve never been, and singing along to our favorite song as our GPS shouts out directions at us. This amazing ability to multi-task can also cause endless amounts of exhaustion for the opposite sex. We have to remember that their brains are literally not created the same way ours are. The sooner we understand that, the easier it will be to interact.

I mean, let’s be honest, ladies, we’re smarter. We’re better at a lot of things. Our pain tolerance is ridiculously high compared to theirs. We’re soft and feminine. We’re allowed to cry at anything. We can usually sweet talk our way out of speeding tickets or sticky situations. We have a week every month to blame spilled milk and world hunger on hormones. It’s pretty great being a woman sometimes.

But if there is one thing we need to realize, it’s this:
Just because he wants to take us to dinner does not mean he wants to marry us.

We are way too quick to “name the dog.” And I know several of you are laughing in that “oh man she totally knows me” kind of way. I know this because I do the same thing! One of my favorite quotes is from Jane Austen. “A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.”

We need to STOP this. It is not glorifying to God. It doesn’t keep our hearts safe. It keeps men from feeling the freedom to ask us out to dinner. It takes ALOT of courage to ask someone out on a date. Fragile courage. And the last thing we want them fearing is that we’ve already figured out how many kids we’ll have, where we’ll live, whose house we’ll spend Christmas at, and who will manage the finances before we’ve had our drink orders taken.

Girls, I know you’re laughing. And guys, I know you’re grimacing. But it’s true. It’s how our brains are wired. We think about the future. We think about the way to nurture and care for those we love. We can insert ourselves into any story. It can be a great quality but one that is dangerous left unchecked.

We’re commanded to take every thought captive and I fully believe this is directed at us, ladies. To take our crazy swirling emotions and reign them in. Now I believe this has been a struggle for women for generations, but I think it’s becoming an EPIDEMIC with our generation.

We’re so incapable of having healthy boundaries with men that we go to one of two extremes – we date anyone and everyone without ever pausing to not be in some sort of relationship, or we date no one. Neither one of these is healthy. The Bible commands us to purity not separation in relationships. I know I will not be in a healthy marriage if I’m not able to contribute to a relationship in a healthy way.

Habits take time to develop. The more skilled you are in either jumping from relationship to relationship or taking yourself so far out of the game, the more this will become your pattern of life and inevitably have an effect on your future. Not to say there isn’t hope of redemption because I absolutely believe we serve a God who redeems our brokenness.

I’m saying that it is DINNER. It is a chance to get to know a man who is most likely sweet and insecure and scared just like you. But you know what makes him more scared? When we GO CRAZY. When we fail and treat him as a prospective match instead of a brother.

And I am just as guilty as the rest. The LORD has done some pretty radical things in my heart to keep me from viewing every unmarried man as potentially “the one.” I realized that I’m running a race and instead of keep my eyes focused in front of me, I’ve been looking around at all the other runners to see who is close. It’s like every time I start trying to run straight again, there’s something SHINY and my focus is gone. God has been challenging me to keep my eyes on Him and run the course I’ve been given. Zig-zagging gets me nowhere and only makes me look foolish. Imagine watching someone trying to finish a marathon while running back and forth. It would be exhausting and frustrating.

So girls. Go to dinner. Go to dinner and enjoy a nice meal and a man who just wants to make you laugh. Enjoy your conversation and don’t think about your future children or whether or not his mother is going to like you.

But what if there are no dinners? No dates? No relationships? It’s a pretty scary place right? Come back tomorrow and we’ll take a deeper look at some of those harder heart questions.

I’m convinced there is an epidemic in young Christian culture. Those of us who are 20-35 were profoundly impacted by three things.

1) I Kissed Dating Goodbye
2) Disney movies
3) A sky-rocketing divorce rate

Now, the last thing this world needs is another rant about how I can blame Joshua Harris or his counter parts for my unexpected and prolonged singleness. I think his intentions were honorable, however I think the execution was poorly done.

In his “revolutionary” book, “I Kissed Dating Goodbye”, Harris esteems the virtues of casting aside modern day dating and embracing a more Biblical view of courtship. While the book has some extremely valid points, the overarching theme tends to take our culture from a casual and sometimes harmful approach of dating, to a society that has recreated lost eras that are past for a reason. And please take this from an unbiased opinion. I read every book that came out on dating. I wrote papers on them. I ROCKED my purity ring. But… the older I’ve gotten, the more I believe we launched from one extreme to the other, and now we’re reaping the consequences of setting courtship on a pedestal.

As far as I’m aware, my generation’s passivity is somewhat of a new phenomenon. Young Christian women have been guarding their hearts, wearing purity rings, and vowing not to kiss until their wedding day, so intensely that they have a hard time interacting with male counter parts. Add this to their immediate assumption that if a boy asks them on a date, he’s obviously prayed about it, sought Godly counsel, and spent time alone in a cabin seeking God’s will for PF Changs or Macaroni Grill, that obviously he’s ready for this date to be a prelude to marriage (REALLY LADIES?) and you’ve got girl crazy at it’s finest

Men, I see you. Nodding your head and totally agreeing with me. But don’t think you’re getting off easy on this one. With the exclusion of a few wonderful men I know, your inability to ask a girl on a real bonafide date astounds me! You do this awkward “hey! let’s grab coffee!” thing that leaves us wondering if it IS a date. Do we offer to pay? Do we let you pay? Do we bring a friend? Your lack of leadership and decision making sends us into a tailspin and we start assuming things which then can create space for US to control and lead. Your insecurity and passivity opens up opportunity for our deepest wounding and weakness to become evident. This is NOT loving us as Christ loved the Church. You’re setting us up to fail.

Is anyone not seeing why Christian culture is afraid to date?

The most respect I’ve had for a man is when he very bluntly said he’d like to take me to dinner. He asked me what day and time was good for my schedule. He had a couple restaurants picked out and asked me which one I preferred. All I had to do was show up and be a woman. He pursued me. I assumed it to be nothing more than dinner and good conversation.

This is a topic I want to dig into. And I want your feedback. Next up – Ladies, we’re getting into some of the nitty gritty of OUR failure and OUR responsibility in this mess. It won’t be pretty but it’ll be honest and probably something we ALL need to hear.