The longings of a wandering heart.

Being in flexible employment, as I like to call it, gives me alot of time to dream. I’ve always been a big dreamer. I clearly remember yelling at my mom (after she shut down one of my hair-brained schemes) that she was a dream crusher and she never let me “dream big.” My brothers mocked that term for years :). But I held fast to it. I dreamt of a life of roving adventure, battling dragons, and saving the world. When I moved to Nashville, my freshman year my roommate and I would take road trips every few weeks. How we afforded that or made it work with our class schedule is beyond me, but we would pick up and journey to wherever our hearts (and a tank of gas) wanted to go. I miss those days. My heart longs to be apart of something grand, something bigger than where I am now. It knows it was created for more. Alot of my friends get to travel for their jobs. I’ll see their blogs or their tweets about the places they’ve gone to and the things they’re doing and I often feel a pang of envy. My jobs always get me so close. I’m one place removed from getting to travel and have the grand adventures and then I hit the God-sized wall. Have you ever experienced that? So many doors seem open and promising and exciting and you start to walk through them when all of a sudden for unknown reasons they slam in your face, sometimes bloodying a nose, catching a finger, or stubbing a toe in the process. I started getting really frustrated with the doors looking like they were open only to walk towards them and find out they were really glass and I’m now sitting on my rear end back at square one. I shared the frustration with my mom and she quickly said, “Rach, aren’t you asking the Lord to only make the right job available?” I slowly answered affirmatively not liking where this was heading. She continued, “Well then you can’t get mad at Him when the doors aren’t open, sweetie.” Damn. Moms are always right – especially mine. I’ve been mulling that over in my brain. I’ve also been reading alot of Scripture on how God’s timing is the best timing. Couple that with the Ransomed Heart emails I get every day that have been directed at desire and you’ve got yourself a full on word from the Lord. It’s definitely still a battle and I still feel those twinges of jealousy when I see the adventures my friends are having, but I have to know and trust that He’s writing my own grand adventure and I wouldn’t want to miss it unfold because I’m watching everyone else’s.

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