I have a really hard time being patient. For some reason I expect now that the lies in my life are exposed and God is slowly working to uproot them, that I will always have victory over the behaviors in my life that need to change. I’m incredibly black and white. It’s either bad or good, healthy or unhealthy, right or wrong. I very rarely operate in gray and when I have to, it makes me uncomfortable. So for my heart to acknowledge the lie but not believe the truth leaves me in a weird state of mind. My rational side knows this will take time, that the fight will be minute by minute, hour by hour. My learned behavior is to go to the wound – to hide in the safe place where I know what to expect from the pain. I don’t want to operate out of a wound. I don’t want the cycle to continue. I don’t want to be afraid of life anymore. I don’t want to be afraid of the possibility that what my heart desires won’t come true, or that He’ll change my desires. I’m learning the different layers that separate my heart from living in God’s goodness. It’s layers of false independence, humor, anger, fear, and brokenness. And because I can’t operate in gray, I don’t give myself a learning curve to work through them.
Last night I felt it coming.
I knew the signs.
I started setting up the expectations
And inevitably I was disappointed.
That’s when I stopped. I got in my car and could only confess where the next thought was going to go. Where my heart was tempted to run to seek shelter – right to the wound. Back to the place I’ve operated out of for so long.
I wasn’t able to conquer the battle, but this time I faced it instead of running away.
I stood my ground
I claimed truth
I was still defeated
but not overcome.
Little by little, He’s pulling up the root. He’s cutting away pieces that are so ingrained in my life I feel like He’s ripping part of me away. But after the root is gone, He’ll give me new soil. And then seeds. And from those seeds will come fruit. Beautiful, victorious fruit. Fruit that will be the sweetest because of the work He’s had to do to grow it. No longer am I trying to end this and grow fruit on my own. Now, I’m letting Him fight for my soul. Fight for my worth. Fight for my heart. He won’t ever stop fighting, no matter how many times I face this battle.
“Forget the former things;
do not dwell on the past.
See, I am doing a new thing!
Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?
I am making a way in the desert
and streams in the wasteland” – Isaiah 43:18/19