I get to be a bride.

Going to church might be one of my favorite things in the world. Which is sort of funny because I’m already on the campus five days a week. This sermon series might be the most powerful teaching I’ve ever heard. It’s nothing new or extraordinary but my heart is receiving it in a brand new way. I’ve wrestled the last few weeks with what it looks like to live in truth on a daily basis and what to do when I’m tempted to fall back into my old ways of thinking. Tonight we looked at some of the indicative and imperative sayings in John 13. There were four reasons on why we should trust what Christ has to say. The biggest one that stuck out to me was that my desire for intimacy will be fulfilled. Now it’s no secret that I’ve wanted to be a wife and a mother for as long as I can remember. My heart longs to love and journey alongside a man. It’s what I feel like I was created to do. The problem being I needed someone to pursue me to make it all happen. Having a strong get’er done personality, it’s really easy for me to become the pursuer. This has been a source of tension in my heart and a cyclical battle that I’ve fought for years. It has gotten a little better with each time but I’m still learning :). Anyways, back to the desire for intimacy. Matt kept saying that we are the BRIDE of Christ and someday we will get to be at a wedding party where we are His bride. The older I get and the more weddings I go to, the more I understand the significance of the bride in a whole different way than she’s part of why the wedding is happening. With my understanding comes an increased desire to be married. My heart longs to be called a bride. I started to think on the idea that ultimately I will get to be a bride. I will be the bride of Christ and my longings for intimacy within the context of being married will be fulfilled. They might not be fulfilled on earth but it doesn’t mean my heart will be disappointed. Maybe I’m supposed to spend the next however many years preparing to be the bride of Christ. I started to feel a contentment in the knowledge that Christ desires ME settle around my heart. I felt beautiful for the first time in my life. Not in a fleeting physical way, but in a way that made me almost giddy. I am fully known and fully loved. He has seen every part of me and longs for me in spite of that. What early love can compare? I’d be lying if I said it has taken away my desire to be a wife and mother. But it has tempered the ache in my heart. It has fulfilled the ache that won’t ever be fulfilled by a husband or family. I want to be HIS bride first and foremost. I’m amazed at how my biggest wounds, fears, and failures are being addressed right now in such a specific way. It’s a bit dramatic but I feel like my entire life has been orchestrated to get me to this moment, to get a glimpse of His desire for me.

It’s the night that everything changed.

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