Her heart is broken but she can’t go back.

Colorado has been all about starting over for me. Opening old wounds, cleaning them out and giving them the proper healing – physically, spiritually and emotionally. Things have been hard but amazing the last seven months. About four months ago I blogged about the wound of rejection. I have constantly been rejected and been told I’m only worthy of rejection. Sorting through those memories has sucked. There is no easy way to say it. It just sucked. But, they no longer control me. Not long ago I found myself in a very familiar situation. The same game but with different players. I was terrified because I know how this game ends – with rejection. “I’m not ready for this. I’m not strong enough. It’s too soon to put my money where my mouth is.” I argued with God over and over about the way I thought this should go. Maybe argued isn’t the right word – that implies to dialogue, mine was more of a monologue. I think protested might be more appropriate. I protested, loudly, that it wasn’t time.

Yet here I am. Called to speak truth and be honest with someone. I’ve thought about this for a long time, knowing there is a really good chance they will reject me. This may seem fatalist or maybe it’s realism. I’m not sure. All I know is that every time I see their face, there is a pang in my stomach that I can’t ignore.

Here’s to walking into rejection with a different game plan.

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