I had a conversation with my dear Dallas Dawn today and she completely called me out. I’ve changed a lot since I’ve moved home. I’ve become much more confident in who I am and settled in my skin. I’m learning to accept my quirks and flair for the dramatic. She reaffirmed how much I’ve changed but then said the following, “I know you ate your lunch in the bathroom when you were 14 but you’re not 14 anymore. Stop eating your lunch in the bathroom!!!” For those of you who don’t know, I used to be teased so much in grade school that I started eating my lunch in the bathroom to avoid the mean girls at my school. I was actually a little younger (around 12) when it got really bad. This was about the time my eating disorder started. But it made me realize that while I’ve shed so much of the old me, I still wear one piece of old clothing. I have no idea how to interact with boys that I’m interested in, so I revert back to my middle school days of being mean to them so they can’t hurt me. For some reason, if I hurt them first, I feel like they won’t hurt me. It is so self destructive! So much of who I’m becoming is a new creation, yet I insist on taking the old and wearing it. I’m terrified of rejection. I’m terrified of putting myself out there. Sometimes it’s safer to live in the “what-if” than the hurt of knowing.
I have no idea how to be pursued.
I don’t know how to be interested without trying to shut men out.
I’m afraid that he’ll see what all those other people saw and walk away.
Most of all?
I’m terrified that my heart will get broken and I won’t be able to recover. All the past few months of healing will fly out the window and it’ll be 5 steps forward but 10 steps back.
“It is never a risk if you know what the ending will be, but if I’m the reward rest assured you’ll be happy with me.” – Thanks, Lindsey Jones, for the brilliant words.