It took me twenty years to figure out what my favorite color is.
This may come as no shock to any of you, but my favorite color is pink. I love it. I think it’s soft, feminine, and pretty. Everything I hope I will be. Before this weekend I would never had admitted it. Last week I hit a pretty low place. I’ve been hopeless. Hopeless in my job, my relationships, my finances, etc. I knew a breakdown was coming so I decided to get away for a weekend. Go where no one knew my name and had no expectations of me. I took a bunch of old journals, my Bible, and a few other things and was intentional about spending time with the Lord.
Last night I poured over the last five years of my life. They are arguably some of the hardest I’ve faced. Two broken hearts, three lost jobs, a horrendous family situation, and the loss of my dear grandfather among other things. I cried for the pain I walked through in my journals, but I also was incredibly grateful because I saw how incredibly faithful the Lord has been to me.
He was faithful enough to cause me momentary pain to save me from utter ruin. He disrupted my entire life to keep me from losing myself. How amazing and involved He is! I also saw another pattern. One of a girl so desperate to be loved. Sometimes I wanted to cringe at the strong proclamations of love I had for some of these guys – only because I knew the end of the story. I saw myself setting up a broken heart.
But then the Lord was gracious enough to show me a pattern. Every man that I fell for and loved was better. I picked better and was closer to the type of person I think I’ll spend the rest of my life with. I also saw that each one had a different attribute about the Lord that I needed to know. I won’t go into the details but I was so encouraged to see how each man played a part in bringing me closer to God and knowing HIS heart.
It doesn’t change the hurt or the tears I cried, but it made my relationship with the Lord more intimate. I have been a lucky woman to go through these lessons at such a young age. I am blessed because I was spared SO much heartache in the end. I’m not going to live in shame because of the things I have and haven’t walked through. If it’s another 24 years before a boy kisses me, than so be it.
In this moment – I want the Lord and the lessons He’s teaching me more than I want anything else. He knows how He created me. He knows my passions, my desires, the things I’m good at, and it’s no accident that I’m in the place I’m in. In my arrogance, I assumed that knowing certain people and doing life with them was so the Lord would use me to redeem their story, how foolish I was to assume that!
One person in particular has been used to fully redeem the darkest wounds in my heart. Praise the Lord for how He works!!! I’m still blown away by that. It was revealed to me that my dramatic nature and my tendency to be passionate and over the top is okay. Scripture is FULL of examples of how the Lord was passionate and dramatic. Look how He chose to save His people! He parted the Red Sea for the Israelites. He walked on water! Everything He did was dramatic. I have no shame in being who I am.
Aside from the fact that I felt freedom for the first time in my life to be who I really am – I came away with one overarching phrase and one verse in Scripture.
I don’t want to be the girl that any particular person wants me to be. I only want to be the woman the Lord created me to be and celebrate who she is.
This may be crazy, but I think I found myself this weekend.
“But I am like an olive tree flourishing in the house of God; I trust in God’s unfailing love for ever and ever. I will praise you forever for what you have done; in your name I will hope, for your name is GOOD.”
Thanks Sara Barreilles for these words:
And I’m not the girl that I intend to be
But I dare you darling, just you wait and see
But this time not for you, but just for me
I know this blog is a little scattered and all over the place but I’m just so overwhelmed right now with what the Lord has done!!