One of my favorite things in the entire world has gone missing. I have this adorable grey knit beanie with three cute little buttons on it that I just love. I was house sitting the past week and somehow between that house, my office, and my house it has vanished. While losing things bums me out – I’m finding myself to have a stronger reaction than normal. I bought this beanie on my weekend away when I found my favorite color so right there it has some significance. Aside from that, it seems when I wear this beanie, good things happen. There’s an extra spring in my step, people notice how cute it is, and a boy I wanted to notice me, did. Twice. So you see, it’s no wonder I’ve started to believe this beanie has magical powers. Regardless of all those things, it buys me an extra day of not having to wash my hair while still able to go to work looking presentable. That alone should seal it’s value. As I’m finding myself wallowing in self pity over my lost beanie other emotions that I don’t want to deal with are surfacing. This lost piece of wool knitted together to sit atop my head has unleashed a well of discontent. If you’ve read my blogs for any length of time, discontent is something I’ve struggled with for a long time. I’ve always felt a little disappointed by my life. I try and try and try to make it happen and for some reason it just doesn’t. I know all the right people, have the right experience, and am willing to do whatever to make it happen. It constantly perplexes how futile my attempts at chasing my dreams are and yet every 12-18 months, I start right back at it. I come from a family of hardworking pragmatics. While they understand dreams, they also see the realistic side of life. At twenty four years of age, I have yet to find that. Granted, there are situations in my life I’ve had to face the reality of what’s going on and stop living in a fantasy world, and I’ve done just that. So clearly I am capable of living in reality, but for whatever reason, my heart continues to long for adventure. Is it so wrong to feel like I am made for more than what I’m doing? While my job title and description may put me in a box, I know I’m meant for something grand and wonderful. There was a time I was ready to give that up. Ready to surrender my dreams of roaming around the world and living life as a gypsy. Had he said the words, the dreams were ready to be buried on the condition of something so much more. And yet, it wasn’t meant to be. So if I don’t have a better cause to die for, why am I squandering precious seconds of my life feeling stifled? Wasn’t it once said “the glory of God is man fully alive?” My heart longs to come alive. Does learning to be content in all situations mean that I need to make my heart come alive even when it doesn’t have much to come alive for? What does “fully alive” even mean? I hate New Year’s Resolutions. They seem big and scary and unattainable. But what I don’t hate is the idea of figuring out what it means for my heart to be fully alive in this next year. At times, twenty four seems so old and past my prime of making mistakes. Then there are other days where I feel like I have the world at my feet and twenty four is the right time to just go. Pack my suitcase, throw pragmatic advice to the wind, and just go. I know the ending of my life. I die. There’s no way around it. What I don’t know is the way I’m going to get there. I can continue to stifle my heart or I can fully embrace that I’m not like everyone else and stop trying to live to their standards.
Who would have thought losing my favorite beanie would draw out the swirling thoughts in my brain. Can you imagine what would happen if I lost something truly important? Yeesh.
And a Happy New Year to all.