Confessions Day 12 – THE confession

It only took me twelve days to get here – the inner sanctum and most precious of all my confessions.

I ugly cried tonight. Full on, gut wrenching sobs, with snot all over my face and my mascara making trails all the way down my cheeks and under my chin. I ached. As a single person who desires to be married, 10 hours with 99% married couples was hard. All the love and respect principles were great, however, all I wanted was a person to try them out with. I’ve wanted to be a wife and mother since I was a little girl. It’s still hard for me to admit that because I’ve been shamed into believing that I’m not worthy of that. The lies have been told to me and like I’ve said before, you hear the lies often enough and eventually they become your truth. My worthlessness became my truth. I was made to feel I will never be worthy of love. Over the past few years and especially this past year I’ve really come to terms with that and demolished the stronghold in my life. However, every so often, the familiar ache comes creeping back in and those soft whispers start up again. Maybe I’m really not worthy of love? I should probably stop telling people my desires so they don’t pity me when they don’t come true. It started coming back at the conference. The tingle in my throat and the all too familiar knot that meant I was close to breaking down. I shoved it aside and kept it together but on my way to church, the tears slowly started to trickle. It made me mad. I didn’t WANT to cry. I didn’t WANT to feel this pain. I stoically sat in the service, refusing to sing a word because I knew my tears were thirty seconds away. Finally we sat down for tithes and offerings. “I’m going to teach you a new songs tonight.” – Nate our worship leader said. I heard the familiar drum beat, the beginnings of the guitar, and the opening lyrics of a song I knew all too well. It was a song that was the final project I got to work on in my Nashville career. One stanza in and I bolted out of the sanctuary with tears pouring from my face and ran down the stairs to the bathroom where I hoped no one was around. The tears dripped down my face onto the floor leaving a puddle. “Pull it together, Mueller. You have got to stop this! It’s over!” But the emotion from 14 months ago came flooding back. I know this song was specifically meant for me.  I was probably the only person in the church (aside from the worship team) that had even heard it. And I heard it when it was in the studio being recorded. In the moment it felt like a cruel reminder of the pain of my life and how now things hurt so much worse but in a different way. After the service I got in my car and drove home. Blinded by tears I was screaming at the Lord. Screaming. “WHY” “WHERE ARE YOU” “DO YOU SEE ME” “I DONT UNDERSTAND” over and over, slamming my steering wheel alternating between rage and desperation. He answered me. He answered me in a way I didn’t want Him to. Only the Lord’s protection got me home where I came into the house ran upstairs and flung myself onto my bed and  wept. I wept until I could hardly breathe. A few minutes later my sweet mother came in. She let me rant and rave and scream and weep. Then in her wise and calm demeanor, she spoke words that only a mother can. My mother is one of the wisest and most honest women I know. In fact she’s the standard I hold all women too.  She reminded me that there is an enemy on the prowl. She reminded me that I’m not who I was. She reminded me that I am loved. She reminded me that I am worthy. She reminded me that I am enough and will be enough someday. She reminded me of who I am but more importantly of who HE is. For whatever reason, the Lord has called me to love right now. He told me as much. Yet, my love cannot be conditional and out of a fear of pain, I’ve put conditions on my love. I’ve limited what I will give to people and what I feel they deserve based on my litmus test. If there was one good thing I took away from this conference, it’s that my love (and respect) can NOT be conditional. My love for those around me is a direct reflection of my love for Christ. To make these confessions as honest as possible, I’m still a mess. My heart hurts, I am wounded, and I’m wondering HOW this can work out. In my head I know I serve a God who thrives in impossibilities and hopelessness. That is where is glory is displayed in it’s fullest. It doesn’t change the momentary emotion, but I’m also learning that because my emotions say it’s true doesn’t mean it actually is Truth.

I’m not hopeful.
I’m not okay.
But I’m getting there.

 

You are peace
You are peace
when my fear is crippling.

 

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3 thoughts on “Confessions Day 12 – THE confession

  1. How is it that we “hear” the lies of our lives, the ones that hold us back, keep us bound and from feeling the love of God in the most genuine way? How is it we don’t “hear” His love poured out on us and for us, we don’t feel worthy, none is worthy without Christ, but we even doubt His precious blood was really even for us, it was for everyone else….what a lie from the pit of HELL! We doubt our gifts, our graces, our blessings bur we accept that we aren’t worthy or beautiful or smart or whatever, WHAT a LIE!

    You my precious girl are SO special, so wonderful, so beautiful, so amazing! I just marvel at your writing, your honesty and the “realness” of your heart.

    I will tell you that you are very special, have a very special call on your life. Because you are the woman of God He has called you to be, the man who would be your b’shert – God’s intended, the other half of your heart, God has to bring him up, teach him and prepare him to be WORTHY of YOU! Not just ANY dude will do, you require a man of God with depth of his convictions, a heart purposed for God and able to stand when ALL else says quit! This is not something that comes easy, it requires he be purified by fire. He is a man who will know how to Stand on the Word and not be moved. I say this to encourage you, know he is being perfected for you, it will take some time. I know you want to be married, have a family, get a life – me too!

    God had a lot of things He had to work out in me first. I had done some very hard things, made sacrifices, really gone through and just could not understand WHY! Why was I still alone? Did He forget me? Was I really meant to be alone? No, not at all.

    Interestingly, Lloyd and I have been so close to each other for years, yet NEVER met until 5 years ago! We lived in the same small town, even went to some of the same events but on different nights or different times or Lloyd would work in the area I lived in, we just never met. BUT GOD!

    I am not saying you have to be OLD like me, but just keep chasing after God, seeking Him and when you least expect it, you will find each other, probably through a friend.

    Hang in there my dear one! I love you!!

  2. Rach, I love your honesty.

    I visit these dark places you are describing quite often. The enemy knows exactly how to trigger a painful memory and send me on a downward spiral of hopelessness and self-loathing. But I am learning to fight. I bought a purse-size journal and filled it with verses. I keep it in my glove compartment, so that I can bust it out whenever I need to be reminded of truth. Also, when I pray, it’s often helpful for me to picture what Jesus is doing in the spiritual realm–interceding and kicking Satan’s butt. I take so much comfort in what he said to Peter:

    “Simon, Simon, Satan has asked to sift each of you like wheat. But I have pleaded in prayer for you, Simon, that your faith should not fail.”

    Sometimes our faith feels like its being stretched beyond what we can handle. Thankfully Jesus is praying for us and there are other people, like your mama, that come alongside. Call me anytime you need to gross cry in front of someone who won’t mind. 🙂

  3. Pingback: Heart Lessons | Ramblings of a Beggar

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