I’d say I’m a pretty trusting person. As evidence by my blog, I don’t hold much back from people, maybe even to a fault. Over the past year I’ve truly learned what it’s like to show others who I am and allow them to love me. But you take the good with the bad, the encouraging with the hurtful. And I’ve been hurt. Deeply. My first reaction is to curl up into a tight little ball, shut the world out, and live in my head. That’s where I retreat to – inside my head. It’s noticeable to anyone around me when I’m processing through events. My second reaction is to build an unscalable wall and vow to never be vulnerable again. This is too much. Sharing everything about who I am, my deepest wound, the locked up chained room that no one gets access to, will never happen again. I don’t want community if it feels like this. Yet as I’ve thought through more of the past events, I realize those reactions are the same ones my old self would have. If I am no longer the girl I was and if Christ is maturing the new me to look more like Him, my new nature must react. My old nature is dead and gone. It no longer exists, yet I act like it still controls every thought, emotion, and reaction I have. I have the choice to decide what my response will be. The old has gone and the new has come. It is GONE. Dead. I desperately want to say I’m okay and I can move forward. I want to trust God and others with myself. I really really do. I hope this blog post communicates that I want to and I’m trying. But I’m not there and I don’t know how long it will be before I’m there.
That’s enough vulnerability for one day – I’m going to retreat back into my shell now.