Confessions Day 16 – The Dark Before The Morning

I feel like I’ve been living in swirling existence of pain the last few days. Pain of friendships. Pain of disappointment.Pain for others. It’s the deep soul pain. The pain that isn’t tempered by a good cry and some chocolate. It’s the type of pain that comes in, wrecks your life, and leaves a deep scar. A dear dear woman prayed over me the other day, for my scars, and I had this breathtaking picture of sweet Jesus taking His fingers and lightly running them over my scars, similar to the way I sometimes run my fingers over the raised bump on my ribcage from my surgery. There is something comforting and familiar in knowing that the wound happened and you survived. Because you did. Eventually the bleeding stopped and a pink little scar emerged over the closed wound. As time goes on, that tiny raised scar fades deeper and deeper into flesh colored oblivion. But for now – it’s there. It reminds me that I can make it. It’s been said that the moments right before the morning light comes bursting forth are the darkest and the coldest. If every morning I had to wait to see if the sun would rise and bring warmth and light so I can exist I think my faith would look a lot different. I wonder if creation ever feels that way? Do they think, Oh my! It’s 7:30am and the sun isn’t up yet – today is the day He’s finally failed us. Today is the day He isn’t faithful. It seems odd to even type those words, because, no, creation doesn’t think that. There is an inherent trust in the fact that the sun rises every single day. It has since the beginning of time and will continue until the end of time. No explanation is offered to creation about the darkest and coldest moments – but they are given the gift of the radiant brilliance of the sunrise and fulfillment of the Lord’s promise. I feel like most of my life is there right now. I’m in the darkest and the coldest moments of this day. A culmination of events has me trapped into thinking that today is the day He won’t remember to make the sun rise. My life is going to be the one time where the sun fails to appear. Yet even today I just felt His love. His unending, unconditional, tender, sweet, near love. I have no way to explain how I’ve felt Him so near. I think one of my favorite friends Josh Wilson has said it best:

 

Would you dare
Would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing

’cause the pain you’ve been feeling
can’t compare to the joy that’s coming
so hold on
you’ve gotta wait for the light
press on
and just fight the good fight

’cause the pain you’ve been feeling’s just the dark before the morning.

there’s good for those who love God
life is not a snapshot.
it might take a little time
But you’ll see the bigger picture.

 

it’s just the dark before the morning.

 

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One thought on “Confessions Day 16 – The Dark Before The Morning

  1. Love that song and I also know just how you feel. Sometimes I can feel the power and presence of GOD so strongly and other times I wonder if HE remembers me, I feel like I am outcast to the furthest, darkest regions of Pluto, never to be heard from again. Soul pain….my heart hurts and my soul is in pain. The pain is so different from the physical hurt yet still so physical all you want to do is cry. As the Bible says, whaling and gnashing of teeth….that sums it up for me, maybe not what the writer meant but then, maybe it was.

    Navigating 2 worlds, God’s and man’s isn’t always an easy thing. Trusting and pressing into God when our human-ness just wants to ballup in the bed and never come out again can be the most difficult of all but we are rewarded if we do. His love warms us, comforts us and encourages us to get up and face another day. His mercies are new every morning!

    I love you Rachel! Hang in there! Let’s talk soon, ok?

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