I’ve been avoiding my blog. I’ve been avoiding stretching my writing skills, opening up my heart for the world to see, and avoiding myself. But I’m determined to finish every last one of these Confessions.
In August, Woodmen was one of the host churches for the Leadership Summit. Jeff Manion is a pastor I had never heard of from Michigan. As he started his talk, I was captivated. He talked about the time when the Israelites are no longer in captivity and not yet in the Promised Land. They are in the Land Between. I’m sure I’ve blogged passages from this book before but I’ve been getting the nudge to re-read it. Among my list of many other books (Scared, Boundaries, Radical, Plan B, Life Together, Soul Cravings, Slave Hunter, and Birdsong). Most things in my life don’t make sense right now. In fact, I’d say nothing in my life makes sense right now. There are brief moments that come further and further apart when I think, “yes, this is all okay for right now.” I desperately wish I could bottle those moments and retrieve them when I have days like today. On Wednesday we were worshipping during chapel and the scripture “for such a time as this” came to mind. The Lord’s sweet presence was so near and I wanted to continue that time forever. Twenty minutes later I was back at my desk answering emails, checking voicemails, and trying to find the things that make my heart come alive. I think I know what makes my heart come alive…but the execution of it is a little elusive. I don’t know how to “lead up.” I don’t know how to make people take me seriously or believe me. I’m stuck in this awkward place of unfulfilled longing and desires. How did I get here? How did my life become such a mess? And can I really truly trust that His heart is good? Tonight I opened the pages of the book and underlined were six little words that made me stop and take inventory. “In the Land Between, God provides.” and then again, “…they believe this pain is purposeful.” “It reminds us that pain is something we willingly embrace when we believe it will serve a helpful purpose.” Two weeks ago Wade Brown spoke at church. Matt got really sick right before services and they called in Wade to preach. As soon as Wade started, my heart engaged. He spoke out of Psalm 40 and had 3 life giving principles.
I can trust God because He is listening.
I can wait on God because He is working.
I can trust God because He is faithful.
There will be a rescue.
I don’t know the reason behind this Land Between. I don’t know how to pray during or for it. I only know to look to the Life-giver to sustain me moment by moment. Because even before I end, He is already there.