Confessions Day 23 – Losing my safety net

I can’t believe it’s already April and I still have not finished these confessions. Maybe my calling is not blogging – or maybe I’m lazy. Maybe it’s both.

I have had glasses since I was 7 (ish) years old. I remember I kept telling my mom I couldn’t see very well. She probably rightly assumed I was being dramatic and wanting attention so she put off scheduling an eye doctor appointment for me until she caught me squinting to see something when no one was watching. I knew I couldn’t see right, yet I was always the girl who cried “wolf” so it took a little longer than normal for people to pay attention. Had it coming though… So I was told I needed to wear glasses when glasses were in their full ginormous glory. My first pair were huge and speckled with pink and purple. I thought they were the bomb.com. As I started to get a little older and more awkward (cue bowl cut and snaggle teeth), I started to resent my glasses. We tried a couple more “trendy” styles but it did no good. Meanwhile my vision was getting worse. I finally convinced my mom to get me contacts when I was about 10. We started with hard contacts and they were miserable. I made it about six months and they switched me to soft contacts. So I’ve been wearing them for about 14 years. They’ve become a bit of an identity. I am a glasses wear-er, contacts wear-er, visually impaired, lost without them. So many terms to sum up pieces of me. Superficial, but  identity pieces nonetheless. If my glasses fall off my nightstand at night or I can’t find them in the morning, I panic. I feel absolutely lost without them because I truly cannot see without some sort of assistance. The depth of my vulnerability without them is almost laughable. It is one of the scariest feelings in the world to not have my glasses and be somewhere I’m not familiar with. I wish I could communicate the fear that springs up in my heart when I can’t locate them. I’ve considered LASIK for years because my mom had RK (very similar) done when I was a kid and she’s raved about how marvelous it is. For many years I was too young and my eyes were still changing so I had to wait. Then a few weeks ago I started to seriously investigate it and found one of the leading LASIK guys is right in Colorado Springs. I called to make a consultation to see if I was even a candidate. Today was my consultation and two hours after I walked in I was given the all clear and a slot on Friday to have surgery. The only question they need to answer is which surgery to have – LASIK or PRK. Apparently I have a slight problem with one of my eyes – but enough of a problem that the surgeon needs to review and decide. PRK is much more uncomfortable and a longer recovery time than LASIK. I’m hopeful I won’t need PRK but trusting that the doctor knows best. I also found out I am left eye dominate (meaning my left eye tends to control my vision perception) and right hand dominate. A uncommon combination which means my dreams of being a sniper are shot (pun intended), or so the nurse told me. Because chances are, I’ll miss… every time. There goes that bucket list item!! 🙂 I’m definitely nervous about the surgery itself. I know it’s a very common surgery, no anesthesia, and no hospital but I’m still nervous something could go wrong. Always scary. The last few mornings I’ve been laying in bed, looking at my room through a fuzzy haze wondering what it would be like to see clearly. It’s quite nostalgic because I can’t remember a time when I woke up in the morning and could see without my glasses. There is part of me that is so attached to that identity I’ve considered turning down the surgery because of it. How silly – it’s like a prisoner staying in chains because they are afraid of the identity freedom brings. They don’t remember what it’s like to be free so they stay in captivity because it’s what they know. How sad our lives would be if we only did the things we knew because they were safe. At one point, everything was unknown to us. I keep reminding myself of this. I also think about how amazing it will be when I’m in Africa and I won’t have to worry about contacts, glasses, solution, or sets of spares. So that’s my confession for today. I’m taking a giant leap of faith to get rid of a safety net. It may seem insignificant to you, but it’s a major change about to happen. Peace out glasses.

(pardon my no make up and my weird looking eyes – they dilated my eyes and it’s a slow recovery for me)

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One thought on “Confessions Day 23 – Losing my safety net

  1. I truly enjoyed reading your story. Its like if I was recalling mine. I’m totally lost without my glasses too, I and feel extremely vulnerable without them or contacts, just like you said. I’m nearsighted, so I cant see further than a foot or two without correction. Its interesting to know there are other people out there, like you, who feel the same way.
    Cheers.

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