It all makes sense now…

I am 48 hours into a 3 day conference called Catalyst. And my heart – is overwhelmed. You see, the BIG things the LORD has been working on my heart have been brought up over and over and over again. I have felt a calling to more than what I’ve been doing. I think I’ve known this calling was there all along but my fear has gotten in the way. Tonight, with my heart abandoned, I surrendered to that calling. God has graciously allowed me into HIS story because He loves me. With a scandalous, merciful, love that I will never comprehend. So much of my life has consisted of walking through hard seasons. When I truly began to follow Christ the suffering came. Granted, my suffering is relative and I am aware of that but it has been suffering nonetheless. There HAVE been troubles, troubles that don’t make sense until years later. The verse “what man meant for evil, God meant for good” has taken on an entirely new time frame. I started walking along a path and BAM, I’m told I’m unwanted. That throws me into a detour for the next 9 years until I finally come back to the original path I was on from the beginning. But I had to walk through those 9 years of heartbreak to get to the place of fully placing my security in Christ. Because apart from Him, I do not exist. My dreams are big. My heart feels foolish and ashamed and free at the same time. But I believe the best way to offer myself is to offer Christ through me and all of me. I need accountability in my life and my life feels true when I send it out there for all the world to see.

So here it is. My list. My confessions. My struggles. My fears. My failures. My hope.

What God is calling me to right now:

  • Become disciplined in my finances
    – Tonight there was a call for Compassion. I really did not want a guilt trip into sponsoring a child but a girl happened to hand out a packet to a guy next to me so I took her very last one. As I looked through the little girl’s information, I heard a voice ask, “if someone looked at your financial life, would they see the things you are passionate about?” because when I look at my finances, I don’t see the things I’m passionate about. I see Starbucks, trips to Target I didn’t need, spending too much money eating out, and debt. So I filled out that card and signed up to sponsor that little girl in Rwanda. And my heart leapt. A year ago – I felt God calling me to tithe 20% of my income. I ignored it. Completely. And He brought that SAME figure up again this weekend. I don’t even want to type this because if I type it, I have accountability. And tithing 20% is uncomfortable. Especially when I move out. I have a hard enough time tithing 10%.
  • I need to be excellent in the midst of my “slavery.”
    – Donald Miller spoke tonight about Joseph and showed the ways God prepared him to rule the country. It was through slavery and prison that God called him up as a leader. Because he kicked BUTT when he was in slavery. The same goes for David. He was anointed king YEARS before he actually got to be king. Yet he continued to heard sheep and submit. I have not been excellent in the midst of my training ground. I have not done much with the little I have been entrusted with so how can I expect to be entrusted with MUCH.
  • Now that I know how to live in Freedom, it’s time to become disciplined.
    –  I do not make enough time to sit in the presence of the One who knows me better than anyone. I hit my snooze button or make something else a priority. It’s funny because one of my main desires to be married comes from a longing for companionship and being known. I laughed today when it hit me that THE Famous One knows my name and my favorite color and how I like my coffee and what surprises me and what makes me laugh so hard tears run down my face and what breaks my heart and what makes me mad and what hurts me deeper than anything else. I am FULLY known beyond what I could hope any human would ever know about me. I’ve wasted so much time on wanting to be known my others that I’ve failed to be known and know the only One who matters. I need to make time.
    – I need to be more disciplined in domestic abilities. I don’t clean my room, or make my bed, or pick up after myself. I don’t. And I’ve started to see that as laziness and disrespect. It’s time to change.
  • I want to write more.
    – I want to write down the stories of my life. I want to share these ridiculous things that happen to me and how God’s creative and funny fingerprint is seriously all.over.my.life. I think I may be one of His best examples of His humorous side. Me and the hippo. Communicating is something I love and have been told I’m gifted at. I want to make much use of that.

Catalyst has been just that – a catalyst for me. This isn’t another “conference” high with promises that will be broken within a month and a life changed only for so long. This is resonating deep in my spirit. The parts that shake what I’ve known to be true and call me to a new way of living. God has been building and cultivating these changes in my heart for weeks now and I see it. I see the “why’s.” May my life be a offering where with every decision I make and word I speak, my attitude is the same as Christ Jesus.

To HIM be the glory forever. Amen.

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