I wanted to save this for my final confession but I’m running out of content and wanted to confess this.
Ever seen the movie “Never Been Kissed”? My life is surprisingly like that movie. Well, take away the reporter going undercover and a really cute teacher and you’ve pretty much got my life up to this point. There are times when I still tell myself, “I’m NOT Josie-Grosey anymore!!”
Many of you knew me or have seen photos of me from the dark years of my life. So the fact that I went through middle school without the first awkward mouth breather sweaty palm kiss isn’t much of a surprise. However, when I got to high school, ditched the glasses, grew my hair out, and got straighter teeth, I wasn’t an ugly kid.
My parents decided I wasn’t allowed to date until I was 16 so that helped take some of the pressure off the reason why I was a junior in high school and had still never been on a date. But once I hit that magic number, the boys weren’t lining up around the corner like I hoped.
Granted, now, I see it as a good thing and I’m glad for it, but in the moment it felt painful. It fed into the lies I’ve talked about before. I was never officially asked to a dance by a boy interested in me. I mostly went with friends – guys and girls. It was still fun and I wouldn’t change a moment of those memories. College started and people were taking bets on how soon I’d be married once I moved to Nashville. I, too, assumed I’d find my soul mate within the first couple years of college. Or I’d at least go on a date.
Flash forward to the summer of 2007. I was 20 years old and starting to feel incredibly desperate. I was horrified and ashamed to tell people I had never been on a date, held hands with a boy, and definitely never been kissed. I decided to sign up for an unnamed dating website that is typically sold by couples on TV talking about their love lives while “This Will Be” is playing in the background.
Desperate, I signed up and started communicating with a local guy. He was a graphic designer and wrote amazing emails. He seemed sweet and ready to pursue someone. He was into music and art and loved the LORD. We talked on the phone a few times and there were some red flags. But he asked me out and I have a rule that if a guy asks me out, I’ll go on one date regardless because I appreciate the fact they had the courage to ask me out.
We went to dinner and coffee afterwards and we did not click. Unfortunately, he thought we clicked much more than I did and our “break up” ended with him telling me I didn’t give our love a chance to grow.
After that little mishap I decided I was over dating. I had several “friendationships” and none of them ended well. Thankfully the one cliche term I managed to stay away from was friends with benefits. Morally I’m not sure how I stand on the issue, but out of the pain of constant rejection I agreed with friends that I’d be open to the idea.
Somehow I never managed to find a guy that wanted to kiss me, thus leading me to the point of where I am now – half way to twenty five and more inexperienced than most of the high school girls I used to mentor. There’s constantly a war in my head between feeling proud and thankful that my purity has remained intact and the feelings of shame and “what’s wrong with me.”
Unanimous opinion by influential people in my life has been affirmation in my purity. However, it sometimes feels like a cop-out. I didn’t intentionally mean to be the poster child for True Love Waits, it just sort of happened. It’s not a crusade I’ve been on since a young girl. If you had told my fifteen year old self, I’d be ten years down the road and just as inexperienced I probably would have locked myself in my room and never come out.
But here I am in all my insecurities, hopes, awkwardness, and dreams. So future husband, I hope you’re up for the task of teaching me how to make out because I have NO idea how to do it.