Confessions Day 30 – The Final Confession

Y’all we did it!!! Granted, I’m about 3 months late finishing these things, but that’s pretty normal for me. SO much has happened since the beginning of February when I started these Confessions. I wanted to post my My Never Kissed confession for my last confession, but since I already posted that one, I figured I will do a little bit of a re-cap and what I learned through this process. When I started these confessions at the beginning of February, my life looked very different but very much the same. Some relationships I had were tension filled, on the outs, or in a much better place. Others didn’t exist, were brand new, or not even on my radar. In the past few months, I’ve been dealt awful blows to the point where I could hardly get out of bed in the morning, wondered why I was feeling the familiar wounds, finally understood why my past needed to come into my present, and said goodbye to hopes pinned on circumstance. I learned that I don’t like to write in notepads with lines, but to write in sketchpads. An old friend re-connected in time for me to see her the one time I happened to be in Texas with extra time to spare. I started letting go of a dear friendship that I knew needed to become less in my life. I welcomed new friends and returning friends. I saw all of my funds come in for Africa. I visited Nashville for the first time in a year and a half. I closed doors with people that needed forgiveness. I learned to make my bed more frequently and keep my room picked up. I started sponsoring a sweet little girl in Rwanda through Compassion. And I went on a date. That is a LOT to happen in three months. I love taking moments to look back at seasons and see where the LORD finished redeeming broken places, where He started healing new wounds, and where He let me see a completed season. Even though there aren’t usually times where I feel like it’s all been together I think Psalm 27 has taken on new life for me.

“I am STILL confident of this. I will see the goodness of the LORD in the land of the living.”

And I have seen the goodness of the LORD. I’ve seen His goodness in more ways than I can count – because even if it doesn’t feel good, it IS good.

Where am I now in the midst of all of these? To be honest, I feel incredibly raw. I feel like my sharp jagged edges are sticking out and pricking everyone around me, including myself. I believe I will always battle between wanting others to see who I really am vs. feeling like I am too much. Even in the pain of rejection or someone not believing my heart is worth fighting for, I’ve continued to choose to put one step in front of the other and hold on to hope. Tricky, mysterious, beautiful hope. And I’ve learned that holding onto hope does not mean holding onto hope that this boy wants to date me, or that job situation will work out, or today everything in my life is sunshine and roses, it means that I’m holding on to hope in the Name of the One who created me. Because to hope in Him, does not disappoint. If I hope in my circumstances and what my earthly mind can comprehend, I will be disappointed because I will have trouble. But if I hope in the goodness of the heart of the One who loves with me a scandalous merciful love, nothing can disappoint me. I’m starting to grasp that in a very small way. More than I ever have before. It’s hoping in Him and believing that especially when my circumstances tell me otherwise, His heart is good.

So do I feel raw, exposed, bloody, and like I’m too much? Absolutely.

Do I regret any of the moments I’ve let all of you into my crazy little world? No way.

And with that, I want to say thank you. Thank you to everyone who left comments, encouraged me through texts, phone calls, and emails, and especially to Steph for “liking” every single blog on facebook. I wouldn’t have finished without you dear friend.

Now where do I go from here? I have no idea. Should we make it 100 days of Confessions? (haha. Ha.ha.ha….) I guess we’ll just have to wait and see.

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