Anyone that is around me for more than 5 minutes quickly learns that I am loud. I like to talk and laugh. “Quiet” is a word that rarely exists in my world. While this can be good, I’ve been learning that the Lord calls me to “quiet.” Frankly, quiet scares me. I’m afraid of what I’m going to hear if I get really really quiet. I don’t know if I’m more afraid of the still small voice or the smooth deceptive one.
My loud isn’t always verbal either. Loud for me consists of twitter, facebook, email, music, TV, the “what-if’s” in my own head. These things swirl and get louder and louder until I’m begging to get off the merry-go-round. I’m in an interesting season of my life – one that at times would seem frustrating and hopeless. My natural inclination is to be discouraged and make a change. I have to make it happen. It’s all on me. My loud voice flairs up and I start to shout right along with the noise.
So I’m considering turning off the noise for a little bit. The external and the internal. What would it look like if I shut off my facebook, twitter, turned off the TV, and read the 92837427 halfway finished books on my nightstand? What if I turned my music off on my daily commutes and started dealing with the accusations in my head? Because I can guarantee the things I sometimes tell myself are worse than any of things I’ve been told in my deepest moments of pain. What if I learned the blessing of silence? Not just a lack of noise but a lack of doing. A lack of the busyness inside my brain and my anxiety that I’m not enough? What if I just stopped? Am I afraid if I don’t check my facebook 15 times a day or tweet funny little sayings people will lose interest in my life? Should I really care that much if they do?
I have a romanticized idea of what a season of silence should look like. But if I’m truly honest with myself and you, whoever you are, I’m afraid of things I’ll find if I have a season of silence. And maybe that’s exactly why I need to do it.
So I’m considering blogging through 30 days of silence. Unplugging quite a few mediums and trying to get back to deal with heart issues. Turning the music off on my daily commutes, connecting only through email, finishing some of the books I’ve started, and generally calming my heart for a season. This also means after today, I won’t be posting to twitter, though my blogs will automatically go to Facebook, so if you’re following from twitter, you may want to subscribe to get updates.
Oh yeah. And I’m terrified.