Today was interesting. There was so much busyness I didn’t even have time to process the silence, except for a few key moments.
1) I opened my phone without thinking and went to open the facebook app. And then I realized it’s not there. So I checked the weather instead. I’ve been checking the weather alot.
2) I still catch myself going to turn on music as soon as I’m in my car. There are times I let myself have music, just not when I’m going to work in the morning or coming home from work at night.
3) I turned down the volume before I got out of the car when I got to the eye doctor. But I didn’t have music playing the entire drive up to the eye doctor. So I turned down the volume button to a sound that didn’t exist today but typically does. Another habit I have because my music is usually very loud when I’m driving.
4) I rolled my windows down and had another out loud verbal processing conversation with the LORD. Then I realized there was a person in the car next to me… with their windows down too.
5) I opened up my laptop and immediately went to type “f” into my browser address bar. I caught myself before I did it, but it shows it’s become instinctual.
It’s amazing how I’m noticing these very slight things that are so ingrained in my every day routine. I never would have realized the habits I’ve developed without stopping to take note of them. Another interesting moment of silence happened last night when I was trying to fall asleep. By the time I got home from community group and the going away party, it was fairly late. I was tired and the familiar lies and accusations started going on in my head. While my intention with this season of silence is to work through some of those accusations and take them captive, I was so exhausted and defenseless that I decided to indulge the lies and just let them rest over me as I slept. What I should have done was get out of my bed, take those thoughts captive, and counter them with Scripture. Instead I let them be the last things I thought of as I closed my eyes and drifted off to sleep with tears still wet on my face. Because I slaughtered myself. I tore apart everything I said as I bumbled my way through my teaching and facilitating small group time. I tore apart the way I look, the good things about my heart, my past, everything. I just let those things sing louder and louder until I was so hopelessly lost in a sea of discouragement that a life raft would have been useless. And that is exactly why I need to continue to shut off the noise and deal with these accusations because that battle has been won and those things are no longer true about who I am. Yet somehow I’ve lost sight of the victory and dwell only on the battle wounds. Like an old war vet who can’t move past the scars of his purple heart. I want to hear the same story on repeat because I understand the pain of those wounds. They aren’t a new infliction. It’s like pressing on a bruise or biting on a canker sore. It hurts but it doesn’t catch you off guard. I think sometimes I’m more likely to press the bruise of my old wounds than I am risking a new one because the fear that the new wound might be more pain than I can handle. Even typing that sentence is scary – because it’s exposing who I really am and what I really fear. And deep down inside I battle the fear that no one will love me if they see who I really am.
Yikes. That was messy, huh?