The Loudness in Silence Day(s) 12-15

Sometimes I avoid my blog because I don’t want to deal with things. Sometimes I’m legitimately busy and forget. Sometimes I don’t want to be vulnerable and sometimes I just don’t have anything to say. I think the past 4 days have been a combination of all of the above. I have been incredibly busy with work and rehearsals. I performed as part of an ensemble at our services this weekend. It’s always an honor be be part of them, but this was the most intense I’ve done. The performance was memorized and we spent several hours throughout the week together and on our own working on the piece. I spent about 13 hours at the church on my days off. That’s a full work day and a half. I’m wiped. But in all honestly my vulnerabilities have started wearing at me again. I have a tendency to forget that not only are His mercies new every morning, but the battle is new every morning as well. I do a terrible job of putting on the armor of Christ when I wake up in the morning. I’m going to commit to start doing that. In my moments of silence, especially on my drives to work, I’m going to arm myself with the armor. I’ve been hearing the familiar lies that it’s all too good to be true. And because I’ve eliminated so many of my fleshly ways of reassurance, I’m facing the battle head on. It gets tiring. So I use my old tactics to fill the void. I rely on the reassurance of man and not my heavenly Father to affirm my worth and that the LORD really does love me enough to not let me out dream Him. I feel like I’m in a holding gate right now. Many of my uncertainties will be answered in the next few weeks. I don’t always know what’s worse – hiding behind the not knowing or facing reality. It’s easier right now to say that because of this or that something isn’t happening. Be it that I’m going to Africa, a new budget year, timing, etc, those are my go-to excuses. I just don’t have answers and it’s hard for me to admit that and be okay with it. For now I’m going to leave you with lyrics to a favorite song. And most days – I do feel beyond repair, yet I know that there IS hope, even if I don’t feel it.

 

I just want to be okay be okay be okay
I just want to be okay today
I just want to be okay be okay be okay
I just want to be okay today

I just want to feel today feel today feel today
I just want to feel something today
I just want to feel today feel today feel today 
I just want to feel something today 

Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair let me be
And give me back my broken parts

I just want to know today know today know today
I just want to know something today
I just want to know today know today know today
I just want to know that maybe I will be okay 

Open me up and you will see
I’m a gallery of broken hearts
I’m beyond repair let me be
And give me back my broken parts 

Just give me back my pieces
Just give them back to me please
Just give me back my pieces
And let me hold my broken parts

I just want to be okay today.

 

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