I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. The last few nights have been tumultuous. Every few hours I’m awake. Dreams blend with reality and I’m not quite sure what’s real and what’s not. I wake up so tired but I don’t want to sleep any more. I’ve also been sleep walking again. Something I only do during really intense times in my life. The other night I woke up in the middle of making my bed. I finished what I was doing, laid down on top of it because I was still so tired and pulled my blanket over me. I was in a semi-conscious state for the next few hours, afraid to make my bed messy. When I do sleep my dreams are fraught with restlessness. I toss and turn, never able to fall deep into a slumber that renews and restores. I’m afraid to try and sleep tonight. I’m afraid to lie there with accusations singing over me and eventually dream about the things that hurt my heart, only to wake and not know if my dreams are true or false. What’s been black and white is now grey.
I’ve started packing. Something that normally doesn’t stress me out but today does. This is one situation I don’t know how to pack for. Two and a half weeks. Dresses and skirts for 7 days, but able to play in the dirt and run around with the kids. Sweatshirts and wool socks for night time. It’s been coming in around 28 degrees Fahrenheit at night. There is no central heat anywhere in Swaziland. I’m in a concrete building with essentially a cot. Pants and nice shirts for our time in Johannesburg. A towel and sleeping bag. Food for meals. I don’t know how to do this. I’m scared. So very very scared and overwhelmed. It’s fitting that tonight while I took a break and made a playlist the song Embracing Accusations by Shane and Shane came up and has since been on repeat.
The father of lies
coming to steal
kill and destroy
all my hopes of being good enough
Could the father of lies
be telling the truth
of God to me tonight?
Oh the devil’s singing over me
an age old song
that I am cursed and gone astray
singing the first verse so conveniently over me
he’s forgotten the refrain.