Porn. Part 1.

How “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” Broke My Heart and Killed My Generation. Part 7. 

When these blogs started taking shape in my brain I knew there were a few things I wanted to touch on and porn was definitely one of them. But we’re going to look at porn from two angles. Traditional Porn and Emotional Porn.

Traditional porn is something that I don’t understand and probably never will. I was pretty sheltered in my growing up years so while I knew it existed, I didn’t quite understand the magnitude of what was and is happening with porn.

It wasn’t until college and I was talking to a dear friend about her boyfriend. In one of our many late night talks she confided in me that he had struggled with porn. I was shocked. This guy seemed like a totally normal, God-fearing, man who pursued my friend like I had never seen before. How could he struggle with porn? I lost a little bit of my naiveté that day.

She confessed that she was caught off guard by it as well but was thankful he had been honest with her from the beginning. I still couldn’t get over it. I started asking female friends who were in serious relationships, engaged, or married if this was a more wide-spread issue than I thought.

They confirmed my suspicions. And to be honest, I was mad. I felt robbed and cheated by these women who existed in magazines, movies, and online. They promised to fulfill something I never could. I got mad at my guy friends. Why were they doing this? Didn’t they know it wasn’t healthy? Didn’t they know it set up unrealistic expectations?

I was discouraged and frustrated. I learned in those moments that even though I didn’t have a husband, whoever he was, already was being told that I would never be enough. That this precious gift I had saved all these years wouldn’t satisfy him. 

As I got a little older and asked more questions, I started to understand a little more. I started to understand the easy access. I started to understand woundings and emotional fulfillment. I started to understand sin and temptation. I also started to understand grace and forgiveness. I started to understand that every guy born after the year 1980 has had access to porn. I started to understand that yes, it IS his choice to engage with it, it’s not a black and white issue.

I also started to understand that the same void that traditional porn was filling for them, was the same void chick-flicks and romance novels were filling in my life. And once I understood that reality – when I had something tangible in my life to compare porn to, my whole view shifted.

But then I got mad again. I got mad at myself. I made excuses for why chick-flicks and romance novels are different. Even though my married friends always told me that life wouldn’t be like a chick-flick, I held onto my expectation that my Mr. Darcy would ride in and save the day. My unrealistic expectations were socially acceptable. I believed in fairy tale love, not just sex and lust. But we’re going to talk more about socially acceptable forms of porn tomorrow.

So here’s the thing ladies and gents. If you’re actively engaging in porn, you are being taught a lesson that your future spouse won’t ever be enough. The choices you are making now are directly impacting your future. You are hurting your future spouse. I don’t say this stuff lightly. I know porn has a draw and can take hold. If you need help then get help. The way to remove the power of something is to bring it to light. Shame has no hold over you except the hold you give it.

I get it – I have no expectation that someday the man I marry won’t have struggled with that. I’m not going to hold it against him. I’m not going to use it as a weapon when we fight. I just want him to know that someday I want to be enough. I want to be everything he wants and if the things he wants are expectations that I will never be able to fulfill, that will break my heart. But it’ll be okay. And I’ll fight through that with him. I’m not afraid of it.

Tomorrow – emotional porn. Just so you know, I’m wincing right now because I know this is probably going to be another topic where I have to confess my own failures. Drat.

If you’re so inclined – Andy Stanley gives one of the best talks I’ve ever heard for men. He addresses porn near the end of it. If you’ve got the time, give a listen here and click part 2.

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One thought on “Porn. Part 1.

  1. Pingback: Never Been Kissed. Part 2. | The Heart of the Journey

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