How “I Kissed Dating Goodbye” broke my heart and killed my generation. Part 10.
I’m sorry it’s taken me a month to finish out this series. I’ve been back from India for about a week and feel like I’m finally getting into a normal routine again. India is 12 1/2 hours ahead of Colorado so my days and nights were reversed. But anyways.
First of all, can I just say, I SO appreciate hearing your feedback. I’ve enjoyed the encouragement, criticism, challenges, and your precious stories that have been shared with me. It’s been such a growing experience to engage with this topic with so many of you. Thank you for what you’ve said – even those of you who vehemently disagree.
This whole series came from several conversations I’ve had over the course of many months. I’ve lamented with girl and guy friends about what has gone wrong in our generation especially in the realm of relationships. As I’ve fully immersed myself in this process I’ve learned a few things.
At the end of the day, good relationships come down to one thing. Healthy people. Because I’m learning that if I’m not a healthy individual, I won’t be healthy in a relationship. It doesn’t matter if I’m courting or dating or something in between. Living in extremes isn’t healthy and I doubt anyone would disagree on that matter. It doesn’t mean I have to pretend I have it all together, in fact I think it’s the opposite. I think it means knowing how much I don’t have it together and inviting someone into the journey of my mess. But not expecting them to fix it or clean it up.
I think being a healthy individual means I make healthy choices for myself and for the relationships I’m in. It means I set good boundaries, physical and emotional. It means I’m careful with the things I watch or engage with. It means that I take a step back when I’m so ready to lead.
I want to offer someone the best of who I am. I want to make someone better because I love them and they love me. I want my life to challenge them to run to Jesus.
I’ve also learned that I’m really good at giving at advice but not very good at living it. I’ve always wanted to be honest in this space and so I need to confess something. Aside from the obvious blogs that include my story, (see: Friendationships) so much of this has been me.
I’m the girl who has a hard time not pursuing a guy. I’m the girl who has a little girl heart inside of her dying to be fought for. I’m the girl who struggles with filling a void with chick-flicks. I’m the girl who can assume that because we’re going to dinner, we’re getting married. I am the girl who desperately wants to understand why boys don’t want to date me. I am the girl who clearly overshares and leaves no room for mystery. I am the girl I’ve ripped apart and challenged to let men lead. I’m the girl who gets to be their best friend but never gets flowers. I’m the girl that believes the best in them but gets her heart broken. I’m the girl who gives her heart too freely because of the depth of love she wants to give.
I am that girl.
And I just don’t know any other way to live. I don’t know how to be mysterious and flirty. I don’t know how to give just enough but keep the rest guarded. I don’t know how to be pursued. I want to be better at it. I want to be at rest enough in who I am as a woman that my spirit invites a man to lead. I want to be mysterious. I don’t want to be too much.
What I know is to offer all of me. What I know is to offer my heart without expectation. What I know is to let others love me. What I know is that life – it’s messy and painful and beautiful. What I know is that we’re all tragically broken and undeservingly redeemed. What I know is that I want to say I’ve risked my heart for love, a love that is greater than what I feel for a boy. What I know is that I want to live a life worth living. What I know is that the days I feel most like a scared little girl are the days I need to let others love me even more.
What I know is that the older I get, the less I know. But something I do know is that life is not a fairytale. It’s not a happy ever after, it’s not a princess in a white dress, or even a prince charming.
It is so much better.