I just spent a pretty significant amount of time writing a blog to hurt someone.
Ugh. I can’t believe I just admitted that.
Seriously though, I was writing a blog, telling the story of something, and I couldn’t figure out how to tie it together. I had the characters and tension but no conclusion. As I walked around I finally let myself ask the question, why am I writing this story?
Because I need to be seen. Not only seen but seen as valuable, lovable, beautiful, desired, wanted, and worthy. And I didn’t feel that way. So I decided to put myself in a light that highlighted those things while also taking a jab at the person who unknowingly was speaking into those insecurities.
How easily I can turn my words into a weapon.
Ugghhhhhh. for the third time.
Inevitably in those moments, my favorite small voice asks me, why is this person defining you? why are you feeling insecure because of their words or lack thereof?
Sometimes I hate that voice. I knew I needed to save that blog post and confess my crap. That what I really wanted to do was manipulate all of you with my stories to make it seem my highlight reel is my backstage chaos.
When I feel insecure or threatened, I immediately want to lash out at someone or something. Usually the target of my rage is the one causing the insecurity. Sometimes my lashing out looks like shutting down. I feel shame for who I am so I close off, push people away, and retreat so far inside my own head it takes an army to pull me out.
If I’m not able to lash out at my target and I’m in the middle of retreating, I usually end up mad at the LORD. I blame Him. I tell Him that He doesn’t really want good for me and when is the other shoe going to stop dropping and can’t I ever have it easy. Incredibly self-absorbed irrational thoughts. Thankfully I know He’s crazy enough about me that He just takes it. And how I need to repent after those moments. For breaking His heart.
Anyways, the other day I was in the shower just reeling from pain, trying to contain my feelings of betrayal and primarily blaming the LORD for my injustice. But then I started thinking about it this way. If I hurt you, like I wanted to hurt someone with this blog I wrote earlier, that would be because I acted of my own free will. I made the decision to hurt. I carried out the act. I deserve to reap the consequences.
If I found out this person was blaming someone else, or in my case the LORD, I would find that preposterous. I am responsible for my actions. I spoke those words. I caused the harm. Me. Not anyone else. I flipped that scenario to my case of someone hurting me and then I in turn was getting angry at the LORD. It didn’t make sense.
We have free will and unfortunately that free will allows us to hurt each other. I think I needed to finally understand this to remove my hurts from the character of who I believe I know Christ to be. No longer can I justify that the pain I’m caused is because the LORD doesn’t love me.