If only in my dreams.

Lately I’ve been dreaming in blogs and nightmares.

The former is a new development, the latter not as much.

For awhile now I’ve lived my days thinking about blogs. I process the world around me in stories and situations and lessons learned. But to have it haunt me in my sleep has taken on a new quality. I’ll fall asleep thinking about something and my brain translates it into a story. Then it puts it together with another piece and I dream about writing those things down in this wordpress text box.

For example, I’ve been reading this fantastic book called The Night Circus. It’s sort of a Hunger Games meets The Illusionist meets late 1800’s Europe. There are no creepy clowns or other modern day absurdities. Only a magical black and white circus that is a playing field for two magicians. I’ve been devouring it as I’ve had the chance.

As I was drifting off to sleep the other night, this quote seemed especially fitting for where life is right now:

“I am tired of trying to hold things together that cannot be held. Trying to control what cannot be controlled. I am tired of denying myself what I want for fear of breaking things I cannot fix. They will break no matter what we do. ”

My dreams became about how tired I am of trying to hold things together that cannot be held. In my dream, I coupled this quote with something my dear friend Erika and I were talking about earlier that night. I sighed as I told her: “I just feel like the walls are falling down on top of me and I can’t hold them up any longer.” She compassionately replied: “well maybe you just need to let them fall down and start over.”

That statement stopped me. Maybe she’s right. Maybe it’s time to admit that I am tired of trying to control things that cannot be controlled. That they will break regardless of what I do or don’t do. It’s okay to let the walls come crashing down. It’s okay to let them be rebuilt and refined. It’s okay. So I dreamed that blog in my sleep.

And then I woke up a few hours later, distraught and convinced my nightmares were real life. I don’t know about you but sometimes my dreams feel so real I wake up and make decisions because of them. I made a decision that night because of the nightmare. Which probably turned out to be for the best, but I still had to wrestle with the consequences the next day.

I don’t like to tell people this but I have nightmares. Usually when I’m really stressed or something crazy is happening in my life. Around the time I was preparing for India, while I was in India, and the first few days I was back, I had crazy dreams about the conference. I actually woke up on my couch in the middle of the night trying to find a skype presentation that didn’t exist. I was so upset over it that I couldn’t fall back asleep until I realized it was all a dream.

Occasionally I wake up from nightmares paralyzed by fear. I can recall a few specific instances where I woke up and was so afraid but I couldn’t scream. It’s the most bizarre feeling in the world. Fear sweeping over your body and literally not being able to utter a sound. My nightmares usually don’t make sense. I have to relive some sort of painful experience. Things someone said or a terrible rejection. I often wake up confused and hurt. Trying to remember it’s all a dream.

And yet for the past several months, one person has consistently reoccured in those life-like dreams. Half the time it’s watching this person in situations that break my heart and half the time it’s terrible things happening to this person. I don’t know how to tell them. But sometimes they read this blog so maybe they’ll know who they are and they’ll know that I still care. Deeply.

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