So one of the best parts of my blog is I get to see how people find it. It shows me what search engines and searches lead people here. Let’s just say that when I was going through the relationships series and I talked about Porn (Part 1 and Part 2) I had some interesting searches… 🙂
One of the searches I’ve seen a few times is an age followed by the phrase “never been kissed” so for those of you who wind up here because of that, welcome. I hope you can relate a little bit to something I say. If not, well at least you’ll not feel so alone.
A major piece of my identity has been wrapped up in never being kissed. It’s always been a trump card that I can pull out in situations where I want to feel special or I feel incredibly vulnerable and try to push people away. An odd mixture of feelings, no? Maybe not so much – they both resonate with pride and shame, usually coming from the same well of vulnerability.
I’ve had several conversations with close girl and guy friends about this piece of my life. I’ve been encouraged to save it and not throw it away. While I agreed, I realized there was so much pressure surrounding it. The pressure of knowing when the right guy had come along, the pressure of when to kiss him, the pressure of telling him. All this pressure! It was giving me anxiety.
I decided quite awhile ago that I didn’t intend to save my first kiss for the man I was going to marry, but I wasn’t going to start a kissing booth. I wanted it to have some sort of meaning.
So I guess what I need to tell you guys is that, well, I kissed a boy.
It was totally worth it and I’m still glad I did it. No regrets.
The only thing I go back to is that now it’s not a piece of who I am. I’m no longer the girl who has never been kissed. Oddly enough it doesn’t feel like a missing limb. I don’t miss that part of the identity I put on myself. There wasn’t anything that pointed more towards Christ in the fact that I had never been kissed. It wasn’t something I felt He called me to. It was more of just a random set of circumstances that led me to where I am today.
In some ways I used that as a shield of protection. It was something I could use to feel sorry for myself or a cop out for why I couldn’t understand certain things. Thankfully I feel like the LORD has been working on my heart enough in the past few years that those reasons slowly started fading away.
My hope is that the older I am and the deeper my walk with Christ gets, I’ll be able to pull off the identity pieces I’ve placed on myself. No longer will I feel the need to wear the mask I’ve created out of who I think everyone else thinks I should be. I want to be a woman fully at rest in who I was made to be.
When I place false expectations and false identities on myself I hide the glory of who I’m made to be. The fullness of glory is when I’m that woman and not someone else. Once again, it’s time to peel away layers and keep exposing all of who I am.
So now I’m just like everyone else. Twenty five and have been kissed.