The Big One.

Two and a half years ago I left Nashville because I was laid off from my third job in less than a year.

But what a lot of people don’t know is that I also left Nashville because I was running from a broken heart. There was a boy. And I fell hard and fast for him. He chose someone else. Which has become okay. But at the time, it wasn’t. I had begged the LORD to either let me fall in love with someone else or remove me from the situation. He decided on the latter much to my chagrin.

Those first few months were tough and it took me a long time to fully let go. To see their picture or read a text message from him checking in on me without those things causing pain. He was my friend. He had no idea the internal struggle constantly happening whenever we hung out.

That situation wrecked me. It tore me apart and sent me back to Colorado with a sense of failure and shame. So to say I’ve dreaded how the LORD will take me back to that desert to restore it would be an understatement.

I’ve constantly looked over my shoulder waiting for the big one. Waiting for this situation to resurface. I lived in fear in other relationships – watching and analyzing every moment of every potential relationship to see if this was the time the LORD would wreck and rebuild me.

I didn’t see this behavior at the time but it would literally paralyze me. I would avoid situations because it had echos of the past and the big one. I almost bailed on a weekend getaway a couple years ago because I was so terrified of ending up in the same situation again. I knew I couldn’t handle it.

When my friendationship ended, I thought I had relived the big one. I thought it was over and I had survived. Until recently. Something so very similar popped up. Same names, same circumstances, same everything. But I was unaware of it until today. I didn’t put the pieces together until I was telling someone what was going on and I said those names and words again.

It was like the world opened up and I realized my nightmare was coming true. My fear in years past was that I didn’t have any further to fall if it happened again. I was already living in my parents’ house, so far from the dreams I had as a kid, without any community, and feeling lost. How much more was there to break this time? I was afraid I wouldn’t make it.

I learned that you put one foot in front of the other. You get up in the morning and make coffee and brace yourself for the onslaught of pain. Each day it lessens a little bit until it feels like a distant memory.

But then it comes flooding back years later out of nowhere. Except this time – this time I’m a very different woman than I was three years ago. This time I feel like I get to choose how I handle it. If there is anything I’ve learned in the last two and a half years it’s that the only thing I get to control is how I react to situations.

I’ve also learned that my worth is not dependent on the choices these guys have made. My value is not any less because I wasn’t pursued. And while that lesson has taken a long time to learn, it’s probably the most important lesson.

My value is not any less because I wasn’t pursued.

Do you hear that heart?

Your value is not any less.
Your value is NOT any less.
Your value is not ANY less.
Your value is not any LESS.

If I can walk away from this one fully knowing and believing that, then it’ll all be worth it.

Or at least that’s what I tell myself and have to believe in those really hard moments.

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One thought on “The Big One.

  1. Pingback: A Goodbye Love Letter | The Heart of the Journey

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