I’ve finally come full circle.
Those wounds that brought me back to Colorado and kept me here for two and a half years have finally been brought back to the surface. Even the big one. The one that sent me back to a place I despised. The one that broke my heart and shattered my dreams. The one that I compared all others to. That one.
And today the final piece of a tattered, wrecked, rag-tag heart shattered again. But it shattered in a different way. It shattered to break a strong hold. It shattered to be made whole. It shattered to be made new.
So now it’s time to take a deep breath in and say goodbye. It’s time to let the pieces crumble and discover the new heart underneath. Like a scab finally peeling off to reveal a tiny little pink scar. A tiny little pink scar that shows healing – healthy healing.
I’ve learned the way for me to say my goodbyes is write them. This letter is dedicated to three men who I need to say goodbye to. I’ve said actual goodbyes in different ways, but these are the words my heart needs to say regardless of whether or not they read them.
To my first, you are the man who changed the paradigm for me. You showed me gentle strength, humor, kindness, humility, creativity, and acceptance. You thought I was funny and talented and brilliant and worthy of your trust. To this day, you still show me a man who loves the LORD deeply and passionately. You’re not afraid to admit you have questions and don’t understand why things are the way they are at times. When I saw you struggle, you did so in a way that brought glory to God. I respect you more than most. Above all, you always treated me with a reverence, because you knew I was the daughter of the King. Thank you for loving me so well as a friend. And thanks for introducing me to some of my favorite things.
To my second, the first time I met you my heart knew you were going to be trouble. What my heart didn’t know was the amount of joy and life you brought into it. You made me laugh like no one ever had or has since. You fought for me. You put up with me learning how to be myself. You challenged me. You made me part of your team. You brought me into precious parts of your life. You let me challenge you. You told me I was beautiful and valuable. You taught me that who I was made to be is okay. You owned up to when you hurt me and feared that more than anything. You honored me. You are incredible. You are strong, funny, worthy, generous, kind, enough, honest, and messy. You let me scream at you. You refused to let me be silent. Thank you for showing me how to be loved. Thank you for loving me better than I had ever been loved. Thank you for cherishing me. Thank you for letting me into your life. Thank you.
To my third, you saw me before I saw myself. I wish you knew how deep that sits is in my spirit – that you saw me. I never knew what it was like to be seen before you. You have been my biggest fan and fought for me when no one else would have. You are brave. You deserve to fight. You deserve the risk of deep love and not the safety of comfortable love. You deserve so much. I hope that you get best. I hope you get someone that makes you love the LORD more. I hope you get your best friend who you can sit for hours and do nothing with. I hope you get to London to work in the bookstore. I hope you have those little girls, because you’ll be the greatest dad. You told me I was beautiful and I believed you. You listened. You heard me. You let me go. Thank you for seeing me. Thank you for telling me I am beautiful. Thank you for being my friend when my world was falling down around me. Thank you for knowing me. Thank you for wanting the best for me too. Thank you for fighting for me even if the way you fight for me is the way I don’t want but we both know I need.
You three will define my future. You three will be present in different ways in the man I spend the rest of my life with. Because pieces of you are things that I won’t ever want to live without. I loved you the way I was capable of love at the time, the way I knew how to love. As messy and broken as it was – my heart loved you.
But, Today is the end. Today is enough. Today you become my past and not my present. Today I let the rain come down and wash you away. Today I hurt. Today I grieve. Today I remember. Today I feel everything.
Today is goodbye.
And tomorrow the sun rises and His mercies are new.
Tomorrow I start over carrying the scar of the past.
A scar whose reminder is the tiny pink line and not an angry scab.
Tomorrow He gives me enough for what I need.
so here we go, bluebird
gather your strength and rise up
oh let him go
oh let him go
oh let him go
ready to fly
you and I
here we go.
here we go.