I haven’t had a lot of words lately.
Okay, those of you who do life intimately with me could disagree, but I haven’t had a lot of words that I can articulate into a blog, lately. That’s been hard. I haven’t been able to make sense of things. I don’t operate well when I can’t make sense.
But what I have been learning is this – I’m called to submit my tomorrows today.
The majority of my life I’ve had to learn lessons on submission through things being taken away. I’ve gone through those tense moments where my hands are clenched so tightly my knuckles are white and there is no way I’m releasing the tension.
I’ll usually argue with God about why it’s not time to give it up, or why I deserve something, or why I’m going to take care of this one. There will be tears, anger, cursing, denial, and usually repentance. What I haven’t been able to see is that I’m holding on to nothing.
My fist is clenched around entitlement, bitterness, and my need to be right. I’m not actually holding on to anything because whatever it was that I wanted, is gone. It’s like grabbing a fistful of sand. The tighter I squeeze, the more slips out and blows away back into the ocean. It seeps through my fingers in my futile attempt to hold it close.
I’ve often wondered how I could learn to submit before. Obviously, I want to avoid painful lessons due to my own rebellious nature, so I tried to learn to submit before. Inevitably I was given a chance to try to submit before and I tried. I tried really really hard. I tried too hard.
Thankfully the LORD was teaching me lessons about His mercy and His grace. That no matter how hard I tried or didn’t try, He loved me. That I was His and nothing could change that. Not even when I shook my fist at Him and wept because I felt like He was breaking my heart.
So lately? Somehow my heart started to change. I’m not quite sure when it happened but it started to learn the lessons of submission before the fact and not after. I learned how to submit my tomorrows today instead of releasing my yesterdays today. I’ve been taking the posture of intentionally opening my physical hands in various situations to remind myself to submit.
Oddly enough there has been joy in the submission. I’ve experienced trusting the heart of Papa like I never have before. And even if I stay in this metaphorical place for the rest of my life, Papa’s heart is still good. He’s still enough. Now, to just remember this. To write it in the places of my soul that will remember in the midst of heartbreak and disappointment.
I found this verse in Habakkuk 2. I have it hanging on my cube in the Message version because I need to remember.
And then God answered: “Write this. Write what you see.
Write it out in big block letters so that it can be read on the run
This vision-message is a witness, pointing to what’s coming.
It aches for the coming – it can hardly wait!
And it doesn’t lie.
If it seems slow in coming, wait.
It’s on its way. It will come right on time.“
So take heart my friends, whatever it is, submit to it, and know that’s coming. Wait. Wait for His promise. Because it HAS to be more and better Life.
On a side note, I recently re-edited a blog for the Compassion website. I’m so honored to get to tell my story. Feel free to check it out here.