Next week y’all.
Next week is my last full (ish) week in Colorado. I don’t even know where to begin. To be completely honest, I’ve shut down a little. I’m trying not to think about goodbyes or see ya laters. I’m trying not to think about the girl I was when I got out of the car that day in October. I’m pushing it aside trying to cope with details and hang outs. I’m having lunches, coffees, dinners, and post-dinners with friends, family, and friends that feel like family.
I’ve never been good at leaving. I’ve done it so many times you think I’d be better at it. But I’m actually quite terrible.
Nothing feels real yet. I hug friends as we climb into cars and take off. The weight of it doesn’t hit me until I’m laying in bed at night. This chapter is ending. Whatever the LORD needed to do while I was here, He’s finished. I can’t be sad for that. I can’t be sad that I’ve experienced the richness and fullness of community. I can’t be sad that I loved. I can’t be sad that I laughed. I can’t be sad that I grew.
But what I am sad about is not having this world be my every day world. It now becomes Christmas vacation and occasional days off. Facebook statuses, text messages, phone calls, skype, and tweets. It’s not the city where I’ll grocery shop and watch the sunset. I won’t go to my favorite coffee shop and meet up with friends. I won’t have access to hiking and camping that I took too much for granted and didn’t do enough of. I won’t be able to drop by my parent’s house for dinner or a glass of wine. Or run into them at church. I won’t happen into the same party that my brother is at, or have him knock on my door randomly.
I had these things for a few precious years and now they won’t be there. That is what causes my tears to flow in the middle of the night. That is what catches my breath when I think about leaving beloved Colorado. My home. Words I never thought I’d use to describe this place. But it truly is. I’m leaving my home. I’ll make a new one and fall in love all over again. It’s bittersweet – knowing the adventure I’m embarking on and the richness of Life I’m leaving behind.
I’m not going to lie – I’m nervous about living in Nashville again. I know the community is very different. I know that there’s usually an agenda when people want to get to know you. I know that “running to the grocery store in sweats” looks way different in Nashville than Colorado. I know the hard time I had finding women to mentor me. I know that the people in Nashville are stunningly beautiful. To the point where it’s borderline ridiculous. I remember my insecurities, my fears, my worries. I also know I’m a different girl from when I left and those things don’t get to come back with me.
I feel like I’ve started to become the best parts of who I am because of my time out here. I hope they come back to Nashville with me.
I am terrified and excited and heartbroken and sad and joyful and nervous and every other paradox of emotion you can be. Get ready for some super bi-polar blogging.