I laid in bed the other night with my mind running circles. I’m not going to lie, I feel like who I am is a little bit lost right now. What I was once so certain of, has been opened up for doubt. I guess when you’ve got an opportunity to live your dream, everything is on the line. Because if this fails, well, I think I’ll become homeless. So everything just spins around and around, especially as I’m falling asleep.
I don’t always know how to put my swirling brain to rest. Sometimes it just keeps swirling until I fade into restless dreams where the swirling continues in my subconscious.
The weight of this project and my responsibility slammed into me. It was like a sucker punch to the gut. I’d start working on one thing which would lead me to open to another tab and begin something else. I’d pause to help someone set something up which would remind me of another thing I needed to start.
My neck ached after 8 hours sitting in front of the computer at a table in the conference room. I longed for the physical labor of painting bricks or mudding one of the rooms. My brain was exhausted.
Not only do I fight the pressure of an entire social media campaign for one of Compassion’s newest projects, but I’m fighting my own demons of this becoming the “Rachel Show.” I’ve wrestled with my self-centeredness my whole life. I think that’s part of why I didn’t know how to tell people I liked to write, speak, and be on stage. Because once my life truly became about living for Papa, those things felt like the old me. But it was undeniable that those were the things I’d been gifted in. I wrestled with shame and doubt that I was just trying to keep my old self alive.
A couple months ago when I was talking to my mom about the possibility of this job, I remember telling her that this seemed perfect for me, because I’d get to use those gifts but they would be entirely focused on representing Christ. When the focus came off me and onto Him, my fears subsided and I knew that’s how He was going to use me.
So when we had a call the other day with Compassion’s social media guru, he explained that to some extent we, the girls on the tour, will become people of interest. I got a sinking feeling in my gut. My arch nemesis of pride was going to continue to follow me into my new role. Uneasiness settled into my spirit as my mind wandered to images of grandeur and fame. It was a distasteful fantasy that lasted only a brief few seconds.
Living in a hotel away from family and the community that has walked through life with me the last few years has left me feeling vulnerable at times. So to now have to take up guard against my pride felt a little overwhelming. When I look into my heart, past the layers of flesh and ick, I see that this desire to use my gifts really is for Papa’s glory and not mine. I want to make HIS name famous.
At the end of the day, the success of this campaign does not fall on my shoulders. I don’t get the glory or the shame. My goal is to be a tool to tell the stories the LORD brings across my path and to tell them to the best of my ability. What happens with them beyond that is only the LORD working.
Right now I’m crafting a plan for social media. I’m sitting outside the hotel with my laptop, a notebook, my phone, and some music still in awe that this is now my job. I got pick for this. I was chosen. Papa knew where my gifts met the world’s needs and now I get to live there. More Life is worth waiting for. I need to remember that in the moments where I’m tempted to settle in other places. More Life is worth waiting for.