I will hold on hope.

I wish I could tell you how tired I am.

Like my body hasn’t stopped aching in about 6 weeks. These have been some of the most challenging and rewarding few weeks of my life. I’m still so certain of Papa’s calling on my life even in the middle of hard stuff.

I’ve been waking up early (SO early), working incredibly long hard days, going to bed only to get up and do it over again. I wouldn’t trade it for the world, but I do need to find some sort of stability and consistency in my life. I haven’t had many chances to write which is hard for me. I haven’t had much to say.

Because really what’s been going through my brain is one of the following things: Are we eating Dairy Queen or Wendy’s today? I wonder if the cement will wash out of my hair? Which is worse – sitting down for 2 minutes and then having to stand up again or standing nonstop for hours on end? What day of the week is it? Have I paid all my bills? What city am I in? Where was I yesterday? Is today a set up or tear down day?

So in the middle of that, I haven’t had much time to learn any spiritual lessons. I’ve only had enough to fully lean on Papa. I’ve had to lean on Him so much that I’m probably at a 45 degree angle. I’m so weary. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. There’s not much left inside of me.

I’ve missed birthdays, weddings, parties, and quiet moments with friends. I’m sorry to all of you who have felt ignored by me. I promise it’s not on purpose. Someday I’ll be better at it. I’m trying to hold out for the light at the end of the tunnel. That someday I’ll be good at this and I’ll understand it. Someday there will be a rhythm and a sanity. Someday I won’t feel like I’m going to melt into a puddle if I have to stand for 5 more minutes.

I just have to keep holding on and taking deep breaths.

I miss you all. I hope you know that. I miss my amazing community and friends. I miss their babies. I miss my family. I miss Saturday and Sunday. I miss naps. I miss movies. I miss having my own schedule. I miss my bed. I miss my living room couch. I miss all of it.

I know this is all totally normal. There is nothing alarming to me about these feelings. I’m not regretting any of the choices I’ve made. Only ready to have a day off where I can shut my phone off and truly connect with those who know me best.

Please keep having grace with me. I love your texts, emails, and phone calls. I love the encouragement and the little notes about your day. Please keep me in the loop. This life can get so very lonely in the middle of so much noise.

Now I just need a few hours of sleep.

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