I’m a runner.
If something gets hard, I take off. I leave before I get hurt.
I usually run to see if someone will chase after me.
And if they don’t? I hold it against them. Or determine my worth based on if they decide to run after me. I put expectations on people without realizing they have no idea what my expectations are. They’re all in my head and never verbalized.
I realized I did this a few years ago. I’ve gotten better at letting go of my expectations but not much better at running. When I heard this lyric from an amazing band called All Sons and Daughters, it hit it all too close to home.
Will your grace run out
If I let you down
‘Cause all I know
Is how to run
Because sometimes I just want to wipe the slate and start clean. But I know that at the end of the day, what that really is, is me wanting to run as far away as I can. The cry of my heart is just that. Do I become too much? Is this time finally when He’s had enough? Will He ever just get so tired of my failure and doubt? Yet, I know He doesn’t and I feel overwhelmed and amazed by that.
In the midst of my running, I can’t ever run too far from Him.
Now if I can just learn that same lesson in relationships… Man, I sure am a hot mess, eh?