I got to see Counselor Kevin last week.
He ended up at an event where I was working so after I hugged his neck, I told him we needed to catch up. Translation: I’m a mess.
Kevin had about an hour for lunch so my gracious tour mates let me off for an hour so I could get some counseling. On second thought, maybe it was partly selfish on their part.
I’m always just spewing with Kevin. I literally say everything that comes into my brain. It never makes sense and it’s rarely pretty. But somehow Kevin can sort through it and pull out what is truth and what is not. He sees things before I see them.
He asked me how things were going on the road and I was honest with him. I told him the good, bad, and ugly. I told him about how I’m learning how sinful I am. For whatever reason while I was in Colorado I didn’t come face to face with my own crap very often.
Being on the road has changed that. I see very clearly how my sharp edges hurt others. Especially being in such a close space. My issues affect other people. It’s like being in a marriage. I have to think about other people all the time. If I don’t, it starts to hurt them. I have by no means mastered this. I’m just aware of it now.
So as my sin comes more into perspective, I start to question choices I’ve made. I told Kevin some of things I’ve done over the last 9 or so months. Nothing terrible but things five years ago I never would have believed I would do.
I needed to process through them with Kevin. I needed to understand why I made these decisions and figure out if I was on a road to making bad decisions.
Kevin looked at me and said, “Rachel. A train wreck doesn’t just happen. It’s a series of events that make it a train wreck.” And while I don’t think he was necessarily talking about my life, he was warning me.
He continued: “When you cross lines here and here and here, you start making it easier to cross the lines you crossed. You started crossing lines months ago that made these lines seem not so big.”
And he’s right.
I can trace back to the first line. And the second. And even the third. Those lines made me more likely to make the choice I did. But ever the wise man full of Godly counsel and grace, Kevin kept going.
“You made a lot of those lines when you were a kid. You set up boundaries based on the things you believed at that time.”
Which is totally true. I put so many lines around myself that I can’t turn in any direction without crossing one. True Love Waits dictated so many of my life choices.
For example: Don’t be in a room alone with a boy.
True story – that is a rule I set for myself somewhere around age 14. I put that rule in place so I didn’t end up having sex at age 14. I had amazing insight for a teenager that being in a room alone was the first step.
However, my almost 26-year-old self has never revisited these rules. Except to break them. And this is where Counselor Kevin sees me better than I see myself.
“You are rebelling against those rules you set up so very long ago. You might not even see it, but it’s completely normal to rebel against legalism.”
If you know any of my story, you know that fighting against a legalistic mindset is one of my greatest struggles. I realized that I didn’t set those rules up because I believe in Papa’s beautiful heart for me. I set them up to make sure I didn’t end up having sex and having to live with the shame of disappointing my parents.
While most everything else in my life has been re-focused to reflect my belief that Papa’s heart beats for me, this area has not. I didn’t even realize I was doing it. I didn’t realize that I was still fighting against rules my 14-year-old self put into place. Of course I want to break those!
But it’s become a free for all. Most of those rules don’t apply anymore so I’m making it up as I go along and then I find myself in situations where I’m like, really, Mueller?! How did you get here.