I’ve been sleepwalking lately.
Well at least I don’t think… Ash, Erica? Can you guys weigh in on that one?
But my mind and my heart have been sleeping through life. I think life got so hard and painful in March, April, and May I just couldn’t and didn’t want to process. I didn’t sleep well. I hurt all the time. Every facet of my life was being shaken upside down. I could hardly breathe through those moments.
So when the sweet relief of June came, my raw heart retreated far inside the castle walls to slow the bleeding. It started to mend but I noticed the mending turned into scars which turned into scar tissue which turned into a hard lump around the outer shell. I shut myself off from feeling. I was so tired of feeling everything that I decided to feel nothing at all.
Sure I felt the sorrow of leaving Colorado, the joy of my new job, the exhaustion of the hours I worked, and the pain of growth. But I didn’t feel down to my marrow like I normally do. You see, I feel life. I feel life in colors and sounds and stories. My world is a little bit crisper and brighter. So when it hurts, it hurts like the fibers of my muscle are tearing apart. I was just tired of every pore having a nerve ending.
When I talked to Counselor Kevin a couple weeks ago and we talked about how I ended up crossing boundaries I never thought I would, I don’t think I realized part of my problem is I had grown somewhat numb to the world. Maybe dancing at the edge of cavern was my way of trying to wake my soul up from it’s slumber. I’m not sure.
But this morning it all changed.
I spent time with Papa breathing into my dry and weary bones, igniting the fire to crave Him. It’s an unquenchable thirst to be near Him and know Him and reflect Him. Recent events have wiped the sleep from my eyes and cleared the cobwebs from my brain.
I was wavering on the fence about a few things – namely beliefs and boundaries I held as a young girl. I didn’t know what I believed to be true or why I believed those things to be true. The other side of me was flabbergasted I was questioning these things. The two sides of me were warring inside trying to figure out which was truth.
As I sat in my bed, tears streaming down my face, the last few months made sense. I made those decisions because I stopped believing Papa’s heart for me. Like I’ve said before, sometimes Papa’s best doesn’t always feel good but it IS good. So when I stopped feeling, I tried to put on my old self. I tried to resurrect the old version of me and find the familiarity of someone I knew.
When smelling salts didn’t work, I used the age old trick of the world’s allures. And you know what? It was fun. Indulging in the world and living a second rate life has it’s appeal and addiction, but at the end of the day it doesn’t satisfy. It only leaves the dull ache of unfulfilled promises and broken vows.
The world whispers sweet nothings and makes good on those whispers.
I spent time in Ephesians this morning and read through Paul’s earnest words with clear eyes and an open heart. And you know what he said that brought my world into focus?
” … you were dead…when you followed the ways of this world… But because of His great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive in Christ even when we were dead…” Ephesians 2:1-2, 4-5
The world became clear and the buzzing in my ears subsided. I remembered why I believe the things I believed. I remembered why I wanted to do the things I want to do. I remembered what I’m worthy of. I remembered His promises are so big, I wouldn’t believe them even if He told me. I remembered all of that and my soul groaned for Him.
I just want Him. All of Him.
More of Him and none of me.
awake my soul
awake my soul
awake my soul
for you were made to meet your maker