I haven’t written in awhile. I have excuse upon excuse and some of them are probably legitimate. But more often than not, I’ve felt paralyzed.
This is a new sensation for me, this paralyzing fear. It’s one I’ve never had before.
I start to think about writing something and my chest gets tight. It’s like an allergic reaction. So I think I just started to shut down. I stopped thinking about things and the things I’ve needed to process I can’t because I have an audience, and that’s not fair to certain parties involved. Forgive me for being vague and cryptic.
Here’s what I can tell you – life has been incredibly hard and incredibly lonely. My life is consumed by the tour all day every day. To the point where I don’t have much time to even think about normal life.
But here are my other problems.
Writer envy and stage fright.
Seriously I know. I’ve been caught up in reading other blogs – blogs about relationships, life, Jesus, beauty, vulnerability. The things I write about. And before, what was something I did for myself has somehow turned into something I do for others and I started measuring it against these incredible writers and I compare and I cheapened a gift and a voice Papa gave me. It became about what other people said and thought and believed about who I am.
I lost my identity. My voice. My ability to think in my own head.
I thought that you all would finally see me for what I often feel like I am – a fraud.
Hence, the stage fright. The paralyzing fear of being utterly vulnerable in front of so many people. Because, you guys, for some reason I write things that you relate to and you tell me. You share your stories and your wounds and your heart and your vulnerabilities. And it started to scare me, the power of words. The power of connection.
So I ran off stage and cowered in the corner. I owe someone an email, an email that could potentially change so much, but I can’t bring myself to write it. Even now, I’m writing this blog to avoid finishing something I started. I’m overcome by fear. Paralyzing, destructive, false fear.
This past year was full of rejection. Some of them epic rejections. The kind that left me bloody and face down on the ground. And you guys saw them. But it’s time for new. It’s time for the old to go and the new to come. I won’t be controlled by fear or perception or anyone else’s opinion.
So here it goes guys. I’m going to start consistently blogging twice a week. You’ll find new content on Tuesday and Thursday every week. At least one of those days will be about relationships. The other one will probably be about life and Papa and maybe an occasional joke or two.
I’m going to ask you to engage, here on my blog. This is a place for conversation. Don’t agree with that I’ve said? Tell me. Am I spouting horrible theology? I want to learn.
This year this is my verse…. the one Papa is using across all aspects of my life.
This means that anyone who belongs to Christ has become a new person. The old life is gone; a new life has begun! – 2 Corinthians 5:17 (NLT)
I am new. My new life begins today – the way I react to rejection, the way I steward my finances, the way I guard my heart, the story that I tell, it’s all new.