I haven’t been sleeping very well lately. Regardless of my protests, my mind has decided it can’t shut off unless the hour is somewhere around 3am. This means I wake up on my own around 9 or so and then sleep off and on until 11am. Always repeating the cycle. Tonight, I’m trying for before midnight.
When I lay in bed, there’s a clock on the wall opposite from me. I hardly notice it most of the time but lately it’s been louder than normal. The ticking of the seconds matching up with my heartbeat pounding in my ears. Almost taunting me because I can still hear it’s symphony in my waking hours.
The ticking of the clock against the beating of my heart has become the soundtrack to panicked midnight thoughts and quiet tears. My phone’s backlight has become my source of sight as I’ve tossed and turned, trying to pause the screeching inside my brain.
I had to do it, you know? I had to have that conversation. A battle of instant gratification or future nights of tears. Because we know how it ends. We know our story. We know how to play our parts. But like I said, this year is about living out of the new. The old being gone. Not carrying around the girl I used to be.
And I’m terrible at it. Always coming and going. Always finding my way back. Asking for what I can’t have and giving what isn’t mine to give. It’s easy to fall into the trap. The trap of two lonely hearts trying to put pieces together that were never meant to fit. You can ignore it for a little while, but eventually it becomes glaringly obvious.
You’re supposed to have it under control. It’s not supposed to mean anything. But then you realize you don’t and it does. So that’s the crossroads you’re at.
Even though it sliced me into pieces, it had to be done. It had to end without tears and train wrecks. Without bloody battles and unanswered questions hanging in the air. And for the first time, maybe ever, someone cared enough about me to fight for me by not fighting for me.
And maybe, growing up means you make the hard decision instead of the one you want.
Which right then and there gives me hope.