How do I say goodbye to the death of my plans?
I wanted two years. I wanted the plans I had in my head. I was ready – willing! It all worked out so perfectly. And it wasn’t supposed to end like this. To be taken away so abruptly without warning. No explanation or reason. Feeling this world I built crumble in my hand like a fistful of sand. I knew if I opened my fist the sand would blow away – scatter out to sea. I wasn’t ready for it.
So I gripped tighter, trying to catch the grains falling between my fingers. When I opened my hands only to see the traces of my sandcastle, tears started to slip down my cheeks. I thought… I hoped… I believed… I wanted… and now… it’s gone.
I lifted the shade of my window, catching the final disbursement of darkness as the sun rose in Vegas. This was it, my last event with the tour. Two years cut short in part to Papa’s voice. Not my plan. I mean – who WANTS to move back across the country less than a year after they packed up their stuff the first time? Who wants to voluntarily go into unemployment? Who wants to leave the comfort of familiarity as insane and unnatural as it is? The insanity is predictable.
As I settle into my seat and think about my future, panic starts to rise.
I JUST QUIT MY JOB.
IN THIS ECONOMY.
I’ve existed in panic before and I’ve learned how to cope and rationalize my way out of it. I know how to turn my oh sh*t moments into trust. But the grief of my dreams cut short? That part is still new. How do you grieve for unfulfilled dreams and plans even though you know they aren’t best? Part of me weeps because it all went so wrong. How did it go so wrong? Did I get it wrong? How do I make sense of it? How do I put the pieces of the puzzle together to file it away in the recesses of my heart?
I’m not quite sure. I know how to grieve for love lost and uncontrollable job loss. But this is new – this choice to leave okay for a shot at best… without a glimpse of what best is.
He said it was time to Go.
I said okay.
With a broken heart and confused spirit, I said okay.
I opened my hand, waited for the wind to come and blow away the remnants of my hopes and dreams for this season. I wiped my hands together, let a few more tears fall, closed my eyes, and opened them to a new sun rising.
Goodbye love. You were what you were supposed to be.