You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.

I’ve been overwhelmed with grief, anger, sadness, frustration, envy, and a bit of insomnia as of late. I can’t quite tell if it is losing my grandfather, the past year crashing in around me, or what but all I know is that I’m struggling. In some ways it feels like I’m on the outside of a glass wall peering into the life I want to have. Thin enough that I can see and hear what is happening on the other side but thick enough to keep me out. There are so many things I want to say, things I long to say, but I refuse to. Because contrary to belief this isn’t my diary, nor are any of my other social media platforms. I get angry when people mistake measured vulnerability for emotional dumping.

What it makes me want to do is retreat. Pull so far back into myself that I get lost. Minimize the pieces of who I am so no fault can be found or judgment passed. It makes me want to stop writing all together. To believe the lies that tell me I’m not good enough or that everyone else is better or that I have nothing of value to say. Sometimes the lies sound so close to truth I don’t know which to believe.

I don’t really know what to say anymore. I feel like I’m shouting into a megaphone at a group of people who stare back at me blankly. So who knows, maybe this is the time to stop writing.

These walls, too hard to climb
And that ladder is too hard to find
I don’t want to be here anymore

These roads, too hard to walk
With the things you’ve been saying
I don’t even want to talk
I don’t want to wind up on the floor

Speak your mind or speak your peace
I swear we’re sinking deep
I don’t want to wind up on the floor
The sky is falling all over again
Just another dis-conclusion
Another disillusion
The sky is falling all over again
Am I losing my composure?
Way too much exposure to compromise
I can’t take on these walls

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3 thoughts on “You haven’t heard a word I’ve said.

  1. I lost my dad March 19th. And it has been tough. I read a few things on your blog and your some of the things your wrote did make me smile, and more importantly think.

    Again sorry for your loss. Don’t let others pin you in on what you want to write.

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