Hey, it’s me.
Listen, I’m not sure if we know each other or not but we definitely haven’t figured it out yet if we do. I have to confess that sometimes I wonder about you. I wonder if you exist. I wonder what your job is. I wonder if you like what you do. I wonder where you live. I wonder what makes you laugh and what makes you cry. I wonder what those annoying little habits are. I wonder if you’ve got 4th of July plans. I wonder how your family is. I wonder if someone greets you when you come home. I wonder if nights are lonely. I wonder if you can drive stick shift. And secretly, I wonder if you wonder about me.
You’ll have to forgive me though because sometimes I doubt you’re real. And the hope that you are can feel like a flicker of light in a maze of darkness. Which means I don’t always make the best choices because I get lost and confused and decide to sit in the darkness. I just give up. But then at some point I pick myself up and keep moving forward, determined to find you. If there’s one thing I am it’s stubborn.
Someday I’ve got a lot of letters to give to you. I wrote them when I was young. I don’t know when exactly I stopped writing them but lately I’ve been wanting to write to you again. To keep you in the loop. Maybe it helps me feel grounded? Maybe it helps me hope? Either way I hope you don’t mind. I’ve got these letters for you. These vowels and consonants. These sometimes irrational sentences. These sometimes humorous stories. These sometimes tender thoughts.
Since this is our introduction letter I guess I should just clarify that I’ll probably be really awkward around you when we first meet. I have this problem where I start to ramble and say things and laugh at myself and usually make a face and internally the whole time I’m thinking stoptalkingstoptalkingstoptalking but I just don’t. Maybe you’ll be someone who I’ve known for ages and you’ll slowly awaken my heart and you won’t have to see my infamous “first conversation” self. But chances that happens aren’t likely. So I feel like I should apologize now. Hopefully you’ll find it charming and endearing. Just promise to withhold judgement until we’ve had more than one interaction. It’s funny because you may see me in a crowd and think I’m confident and cool. I’ll probably be better in front of a large group of people than just you. If I start to ramble just smile and laugh a little. On our second meeting I’ll most likely remember your name but may play it cool and pretend like I’ve forgotten. It’s only because I’m worried you forgot mine and I don’t want you to feel bad. But I usually get less awkward with time. Until eventually I’m completely normal and we’ll both giggle about that thing I said. Who knows – maybe we can write a story about it?
I hope you know that I’m crazy excited to meet you. Whatever that looks like.
So until then, I’ll be here.