So I inadvertently took all of December off from blogging. Forgive me?
Typically my most favorite time of year is September – December. I love the holidays, the changing weather, the time spent with family, the wonder, the energy of the buzzing world. But this year was different. It was lonely. It was hard. It was full of ending relationships, selfishness, wounding words, confusion, tears, and sadness.
The year ended very much as it began — with disappointment.
Part of the reason I stayed away from posting was because all I had to offer was venting. It was using my small platform as a way to be angry and shake my fist at those who hurt me. Meanwhile I was also doing some inflicting of pain on others. And I was angry at Papa. I felt disappointed by Him. Like He let me down. He dropped me in the mud and let me wrestle my way through it all year.
Sure 2013 had some incredible moments. Moments of faithfulness, joy, hope, new life, health, etc. But overall it was a hard year. It stripped me. It took away my veneer. It tried to rob my identity. It was sucky.
So when December 31 rolled around I was tempted to stay in my PJ’s, pout in my room, and ring in the New Year alone by going to bed before 10pm. But weeks ago I decided to claim 2014 as the year of blessing and jubilee. Several people whom I admire and respect independently spoke these words into my life. That this year, of my 27th birthday and 2014, would be the year I would experience tremendous blessing and truly see God’s faithfulness.
Claiming this promise has felt audacious. It’s felt foolish. It’s felt ridiculous. What if they seem me fail? What if they see Papa fail? What if, what if, what if? And today as I read through a book I was given I read the words, “it will come.” Because I’ve been looking for a living Christ among the dead. Which is foolishness.
On December 31, I took off my PJ’s, put on a party dress, toasted out the old, and embraced the new. I allowed myself to revel in a new year. I wrapped my arms around the girl I am, the woman I am becoming, and the disciple I strive to be. I decided I am enough and I plan to live this way. I plan to live as one who believes the Promise Land is mine for the taking. Because I wondered what the story of Israel would be if God’s people actually wandered like they were chosen and blessed in the middle of the desert.
Would they have remembered Canaan was on the horizon? Would they trust that milk and honey were waiting for them? I want to believe in my Canaan to the point where my thirst is quenched and I taste sweet honey on my lips.
My hope will no longer be contingent on circumstances but will be certain because of who my hope is resting in.
And with that, 2013, I wish you farewell. Thank you for the growing, stretching, pain, and sorrow you brought.
2014 — I’m ready for you.