Thy Kingdom Come, Thy Will Be Done even if it breaks my heart.

This year I’ve experienced a variety of  “cut you off at the knees” moments. Some have been in the best way possible and some have been in the worst way possible. But through it all I’ve come to know that each of those moments have been because Papa loves me better than I know how to love myself. In July before everything happened, I started praying for His best in my life, not knowing at the time that His best meant the end to something I desperately wanted.

But Papa knew that above all else I wanted HIM.

When He’s met me in the sorrow and I tearfully ask for more of Him because that is the only thing that will sustain, He gracious pours Himself out to me in abundance. Excess. He never tires of giving me more of Him.

My life has taken a little bit of a detour the last 5 days. One I never expected to see coming. One I don’t know if I’ll ever write about. One I don’t entirely know how to process. A decision that I thought was mine to make is now no longer in my possession. This decision, however it goes down, will once again leave a mark on the story being written.

Last night I could only open my hands and quietly whisper, “thy kingdom come, thy will be done.” Because all I know how to pray is that Papa will stand in front of me and continue to love me better than I can love myself.

It was fitting then to read these words from Andrew Murray:

Our Lord returns to speak of prayer again in the Sermon on the Mount. The first time he told about the Father who is to be found in secret and rewards openly and gave us the pattern prayer (Matthew 6:5-15). Here He wants to teach us what all Scripture considers the most important thing in prayer: that it be heard and answered. He uses words that mean almost the same thing, and each time He repeats the promise distinctly: “it will be given to you; you will find; the door will be opened to you.” In all this repetition, we can see that He wants to implant in our minds the truth that we may — and must — confidently expect an answer to our prayer. Next to the revelation of the Father’s love, there is no more important lesson in the whole school of prayer than this: Everyone that asks receives. 

A difference of meaning has been sought in the three words ask, seek, and knock. The first, ask, refers to the gifts we pray for. But I may as for and receive a gift without the Giver. Seek is the word Scripture uses when speaking of looking for God himself. Christ assures me that I can find God. But it is not enough to find God in a time of need without also coming into an abiding fellowship with Him. Knock speaks of being admitted to dwell with Him and in Him. Asking and receiving the gift thus leads to seeking and finding the Giver. This again leads to the knocking and opening of the door to the Father’s home and to His love. One thing is sure: The Lord wants us to believe with certainty that asking, seeking, and knocking will not be in vain.

I’ve stopped asking for the things I think I want and I’ve started asking for the things He knows I need. Praying THAT prayer allows me the freedom to believe that He hears and He answers.

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