There was a moment a year ago when I was seriously convinced I would never feel anything but pain. Deep, cutting, all consuming pain.
I heard all of the words and sentiments and prayers but my raw soul couldn’t absorb anything.
As you all have journeyed with me we’ve seen the Lord reveal bits and pieces of why this season occurred. He’s given me the parts of the puzzle in His timing. Always gentle and kind. Always good. Sometimes calling me to repentance, sometimes calling me into healing, always calling me to Himself.
My personality is the kind where I analyze and examine and poke around a situation until I understand it. I have to understand it in order to let it go. Which may be part of why this process took so long. Because I didn’t understand. Part of my journey has been to let go of my need to understand and trust.
But because my Papa is infinitely good, He gave me the final piece of the puzzle. On the one year anniversary of the worst Sunday of my life.
My whole life I’ve longed to be married. As a girl I longed for a wedding, as a teenager and a college student I longed for a boyfriend, as a young adult I longed for a husband. The depth of longing ebbed and flowed in every season and year. Sometimes unbearably strong and sometimes just a dull ache in the back of my heart.
18 months ago it became suffocating. It became all consuming. I was angry at the intensity of it. It felt cruel to desire something so much and have it be so unfulfilled.
I didn’t know it at the time but I was starting the process of turning inward and downward. A spiral of sin. The thing I desired was good. It was a right desire. But I desired it wrongly.
But, he showed up and instantly my heart shifted. It felt like it had been given a drink of water after being in the desert for years. So I gulped it up and just like anyone knows, if you drink TOO much water when you haven’t had any, you get sick.
Throughout our entire relationship there were very distinct moments when I turned inward and downward and kept going. I was loving the right thing wrongly. I was telling a finite thing it had to satisfy infinite longings.
Something I’ve not shared much is what happened 12 days before the very last day.
Our relationship was frantic and dramatic and passionate and intense. I spent more nights crying in my bed than I ever expected to throughout the entire time we were dating. Which… probably should have been a clear indication it wasn’t a healthy relationship, but I digress.
The first day of July I decided to spend more time praying for him, and for me, and for us. Friends had voiced a few concerns about how volatile our relationship was and how I didn’t seem totally like myself. I took it to heart and took it to Jesus.
I genuinely asked the Lord for His best. I asked Him to make us better for the Kingdom, I asked Him for His will. I asked for more of Him. Not once thinking it might mean the end of the finite thing I expected to be my infinite fulfillment.
So 12 days later when my finite thing was taken, it was devastating.
I had been making all these choices to love the right things wrongly and I was dangerously close to being given the thing I ultimately wanted to love the most — myself.
But Papa, in His sweetness and goodness and mercy decided to stop my inward and downward spiral. When I cried out for more of Him and less of me, He heard me. I fully believe the Spirit interceded on my behalf and asked for the thing I didn’t know I needed nor would I have ever chosen but I am so glad was given to me.
Today I realized this past year, to the very day, has been about re-ordering my love. It’s been a slow deconstruction of loving the right things wrongly and a reorientation to love the right things rightly. Without expectation for them to fulfill my infinite desires, without making them the centering force my life spins around, without seeing it as the end goal. Rejoicing in the goodness of the desire but repenting of the wrongness of the worship I gave it.
But my friends, do you see it?? Do you see the overwhelming LOVE the Father has for me? To take my inward and downward worship and stop me from ultimately getting myself? So this year has been about LOVE. All consuming, beautiful, glorious love.
And with that, I think the last few words of the chapter of him have been written. I will always be grateful Papa used him to pull me deep into His heart but the story of us is an ever fading memory which I’m glad to tuck away and move forward with longing and expectation and hope and love.
*shoutout to Glenn Packiam for giving language to the puzzle pieces Jesus has been showing my heart for a year!