Oh hey, it’s me.
From the other side of semester one.
I’m sorry I’ve been so quiet the past few months. So so quiet. I’ve used all my words between talking on the phone for work and writing for school.
I wrote roughly 18,000 words (not including forums, self-evals, taking notes) over the course of the last 3 months. My posts on this site are normally 750 – 1000 words. So… it was alot of words.
I read even more.
But I’m done. Now I wait. To see if I passed the semester. Like I said, I often feel like the dumbest kid in my classes.
I learned alot this semester. About academics, about theories, about development, about time management, about stress, about remaining silent when I do not know the answers.
But I learned about myself too.
I learned I am far more capable than I give myself credit for. I learned I am intelligent. I learned I am curious. I learned I will always try to show up. I learned I do not know how to study well. I learned I am still a procrastinator. I learned I know much more than I thought. I learned I know far less than I imagined.
Mostly though, I learned to love in a new way. I learned to observe the world around me and see what it needs. I learned to find the places my heart can meet those needs and love recklessly. I learned there is freedom in not trying to do it all. I learned I will not meet every need and there is no shame in that.
I learned to look through facades and tight smiles to see beauty and truth. I learned not to second guess myself. I learned the “me too!” moments come from unexpected places. I learned Jesus answers prayers in unexpected ways. I learned I can say no. I learned I can say yes. I learned I can say I don’t know.
I learned love comes and goes in the blink of an eye. I learned situations are complicated. I learned hearts are broken. I learned grace must be extended over and over.
I learned battles I thought long-won still rear their ugly head. I learned I am not as far along on this journey as I once thought, nor am I as far behind as I feared. I learned how to fail. I learned how to win. I learned kindness and compassion from the people in my life. I learned people who want to be in your life will be in your life. That actions will always speak louder than words.
I learned to be gentle. I learned to be soft. I learned to cry with and for. I learned how to take the pieces of the past and set them down. I learned to breathe in the summer air knowing winter would come. I learned to delight in snow lighting up the grass like diamonds. I learned to be still. I learned to be content. I learned to be joyful. I learned to be happy. I learned it’s okay to believe the best about someone and watch them follow through.
I learned I am far more of an introvert than I’ve ever let myself believe. I learned new names. I learned new faces. I learned the outlines of crinkles when people smile. I learned laughters and looks. I learned stories and songs. I learned “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you.” I learned patience and pause.
I learned alot this semester. Not just in my head but in my heart. It was all the beautiful and all the ugly. It was glorious and painful and everything in between. I rejoice for the new things in my life, the new people, the new loves, the new experiences, yet I grieve for the people who did not move with me, for the life I had a year ago, for the girl I was, for the community around me. It’s always this tension — looking ahead and loving back.
But it’s exactly where I am supposed to be.
So for that, I could not be any more in love with this life. And for as many words as I said and wrote, there are thousands more still tucked away, waiting for their time and place and moment.
Cheers to the words we have yet to say.